I Promised a Photo

I have recently promised a photo of the garden. It has been so dreary the past few days I didn't want to depress anyone. Anyhow, instead I have these photos. One of Oliver two hours old. The other of him today, celebrating 16 months on the dot, and true to toddler form, he loves to be naked (or semi naked).

Lots of Hulabloo About Gender and Some Clarity

In light of the recent J. Crew ad which sparked a world of media frenzy about gender, the "homosexual agenda", and of course attacking masculinity. Yeesh! ABC, CBS, and Fox News have all gone crazy about this ad. My response to the gender shenanigans is first, a big sigh, and then some clarification regarding sex and gender.

All too often I read and hear people using sex and gender interchangeably. I know you've all filled out a form that asks your gender with male and female as the two choices. This is simply incorrect, gender and sex are not one in the same. Here's why. My disclaimer: please keep in mind these are simplified examples - I don't want to seem as if I'm doing a disservice to any one particular group. Positive and kind corrections/feedback is welcomed.

Sex is biologically determined, although some scholars would argue that sex, like gender, is a social construction, which I agree with. For simplicity, I'll say that sex = male or female. The biology, hormones, and reproductive organs that one is born with. Those who are advocating for more than one sex are often placed in a catch all term called intersex, you can read more about it here: intersex.

Gender is an identity. The dominant terms are man or woman (but also included transgender and gender queer). These identities are created and maintained by social, cultural, and historical actions. They are upheld by laws, science, and common/social and cultural knowledge and behavior. Transgender is an identity, but is also an umbrella term with intersex, transexual (those who choose to reassign their sex with surgery and/or hormones) and gender non-conforming (gender queer) under it. Like all identities they are fluid and malleable and may look different at the individual level.

Gender expression is the way in which we perform gender. Masculine, feminine, somewhere in between, or not at all. These too are socially constructed behaviors, which are created and maintained by social and cultural norms that are deemed "normal" and "appropriate". They are often subtle, taken for granted behaviors that are deemed innate and something we are born with.

This is the place where people got all flustered about the damn toenail polish. Polish is feminine ie: for girls, and plain toe nails (how boring!) are for boys (but also for girls, confusing I know). The problem with a subscribed and rigid binary of masculine and feminine expression is that in reality people don't fit nicely into either one. Think about your gender expression (how you "do gender" on a daily basis). Put on a bra, a dress, pants, the way you walk, talk, eat, laugh, and so on. It is all gendered, and it looks different on lots of people. Personally, I am not 100% super ultra high feminine, but I am a woman - a bio woman to boot. My gender expression fits somewhere on a continuum. I have been known to be scrappy, and I will admit to not shaving my legs often, does this make me less of a woman? We have to question the dominant ideologies and norms that maintain these rigid behaviors. We all contribute to them. We need to stop policing our peoples, our children, our families. Exploring both masculine and feminine "behaviors" is a healthy way to be a well rounded individual and I believe will help communication between men and women (and all people). I'm am not raising my son not to be a boy, but I am sure that he is able to be both rowdy and affectionate, intense and calm, beautiful and handsome, and any other way he wants to express himself or explore the world around him.

We can see, very simply, that gendered behaviors are socially constructed as social norms (and laws), as masculine and feminine behaviors have changed drastically over time. A hundred years ago the social standards for men and women were much different. In the United States alone, it would be unacceptable for men to study along side me, it would be strange for me to wear pants (and in some instances illegal), the jobs I could obtain would be limited (and backed my science, because of our delicate and fragile reproductive system prevented us from work in particular occuptaions). I also couldn't vote, but that is a whole other blog post.

In a nutshell.

Sex is biololgy. Gender is identity. Gender expression is performance.

And all of the above stuff is backed by my degree in, ahem, advanced feminist theory. so yeah I am smart, wicked smart.

Gardening and Why I Love My Adopted City

I made a promise (and a note) to take a photo of my yard to document the start of our first attempt at gardening. This photo is also a for myself too, so I can keep track of the growth - because I know come August when our four garden beds are flowing (maybe overflowing, whose idea was it to grow pumpkins in a small yard, oh yeah, mine!) with ripe vegetables, I'll forget what they looked like with just bare dirt. I invite the transformation and am humbled that a tiny little seed and sprout will produce food.

I have three 10'x3' beds that will host three kinds of beans, lettuce, carrots, herbs and flowers, leeks and brussel sprouts. I am a planner (my sister will attest to that fact) and I have mapped out the space needed and how I am planning to grow all this food in such small space. Lots of successive planting, ropes and growing vertically by trellising and staking and also annoying my husband to no end by sitting up at night with the light on and stressing about space.

The fourth bed is 10'x5' and will host sugar pumpkins, butternut (Greek Sweet Reds) squash, and delicata squash - also growing them vertically. I mostly believe I am crazy to think this will all fit in these four beds, but it is worth a shot and I know I will have some disasters, but if I can grow some food I will be happy. I am already impressed with our radish sprouts (to mark the carrot rows). PS all of the seeds were purchased at these two heirloom seed companies. Baker Creek and Comstock and Ferre.

My last note for the day is. I love parks!!! My adopted city is just dishing out the many reasons why I love living here. We have this amazing park about 5 blocks away and today it was buzzing with kids (it is school vacation week) and it was just so lovely being there watching kids play and talking with parents. My nephew and I (and Ollie) went twice today!

When I was in college I was a nanny for two families in Boston. I always loved going to parks. It was an equal mix of sitting back and watching the kids go crazy and also playing myself. Parks always make me feel really happy. I always want to climb all over the playscapes, and most of the time I do, except when I have one (or this morning two) toddlers in tow (two toddlers and a five year old at a park is no joke!). I think a lot happens at parks that can be easily overlooked. It is an arena for children to negotiate play, make choices, get into disagreements, make friends, gain a little freedom from hoovering parents (for the most part) and making connections in the community.

What was most fascinating for me was watching my nephew (who is 5) make friends with a 4 year old boy. I think their energies and risk levels matched really well and they were both equally as shy at the start to play together. The only thing that was apparent in the age difference was at the end, we were saying our good byes and the little boy hugged my nephew, and he obliged, but then quickly, like a big boy, said, "Wait, wait (boys name), give me a high five". It was almost as if he had outgrown the hugs, like his big school aged self was beyond hugging and onto high fives. Last year at this time, I can see 4 year old nephew not hesitating for one second to hug. In fact he often instigated hugs and kisses! It is amazing to see this special boy grow up, and interesting how the biggest changes are seen in such subtle ways.

I Find Mothering to be Liberating

No, seriously, I do. Historically, white women (typically middle class, educated types. somewhat like myself, although I have to say I identify as mostly working class, with the ability to "pass" as middle class, but this is a whole other blog post in itself), have found motherhood to be stifling, trapped, depressed, lonely. While I can say I sometimes relate to these feelings, I mostly feel confident and comfortable in my identity and role as a mother. Here are some of the reasons I find motherhood to be liberating.

1. I honestly feel comfortable and confident in my role: as a human being, as a community member, as a woman, as a partner, as a sister, and so on. For so many years I spent massive amounts of time feeling like what I was doing wasn't good enough. A lot of time was spent being critical of the ways society is set up (which I still hold to a point) and how the work I was doing wasn't helping, but rather perpetuating the broken system. There was a lot of feeling of boredom, repetition, and disconnection. Becoming Mama to Ollie I've felt this self-critique melt away, and while sometimes I can feel trapped, most days I feel like I have to whole world to explore sitting right there in front of me. Life is almost never boring, and I feel a deep sense of purpose. As cliche as it sounds, our children are our best teachers.

2. Motherhood grounds me. I am constantly in the present, appreciating the day to day moments. I had previously spent so much time concerned with what life will be like in the future. Questioning if I'll be successful. What job I'll have, what house I'll live in, how much happier I'll be when I get said things. Much of it was set on upward mobility - breaking the class barriers and moving up to be respected and have authority and autonomy. This was very much a guise I liked to hide under, or some empty hope that was instilled in me. I am less obsessed with what the future holds and more in touch with what life is filled with in the present, even if it includes my child melting down because he dosen't want to come inside. While I still think about the future, and know it is important to set goals, they are realistic,far less self-deprecating, and not set to unreachable cultural standards.

3. I watch waaaaaaay less television than I used to. This act alone is pretty liberating. I read a whole lot more. I try and take full advantage of nap time, even if it is only 45 minutes. I also try and have at least one day a week unplugged from the computer. So far it's been working.

4. I can wear the same clothes three days in a row and frankly don't give a shit. This is less of "letting myself go" and more of a "fashion is sort of bullshit anyway" ideology, that and it cuts down on laundry.



I will give credit with credit is due, my post has somewhat been inspired by this post over at Blue Milk