Montalino

In a Moving Vehicle for 20+ hours with a Two Year Old

2012-01-31T22:34:00.004-05:00

We're on our way to Florida tomorrow morning - in a small car - with a two year old. Have pity on me. I am sure tomorrow mid-day I'll be wishing I was at home alone with the cat and a cold glass of whiskey. Especially because Mr. Oliver (who is generally an easy going kind of kid) decided to embody the kind of behavior that earns the Terrible Twos title. I'll spare you the details and let you use your imagination.
The destination is, however, very much worth it. Oliver will get to meet his three cousins and have a blast, the adults will get catch up, snuggle a new born baby, and be happy in sunshine and warm weather - it's all good.

Letters To Nature in New England

2012-01-31T22:11:00.002-05:00

1/31/12
Dear Spring,
I smelled you in the air today, but I know you're still far away. Please don't trick to flora into budding early. I really would like to have fresh blueberries and apples this summer.
Kindly,
Me

1/28/12
Dear Winter,
I have mixed feelings about these 45 degree days - on the one hand, Ollie and I can take walks and hikes, but I think I'd rather be sledding (we can hike and walk in the spring).
Thanks,
Me

Two Peas in a Pod - Well Kinda

2012-01-26T21:07:00.006-05:00

Ollie and his cousin Cora are almost exactly one month apart. Since they were born we always joked that they were opposite babies. Cora was a big, plump, 9 pound newborn. Ollie, a scrawny, 6 pound, pre-term baby. And they grew to be opposite in infancy - Ollie a chunka-monka and Cora a little elfish baby (actually, we called her Toothy Yoda Baby - endearingly of course). It always seemed that what one was doing the other wasn't. Cora slept well one night, Ollie was awake all night. Ollie pooped ten times in one day, Cora hadn't pooped in three days.....You get the idea.

Lately, however, they have been at a compatible stage of play and development (Ollie has broken out with his language). Cora has been (and still is) the true definition of precocious, while Ollie liked to play and explore at his own speed. Today I observed them together, engaging in the same kind of play, talking together, and SHARING snacks without adult encouragement. I left the room for a second and when I came back they were playing a game:

Cora: Are you Noni?
Ollie: Nooooo ....
giggles
C: Are you waterbottle?
O: Noooo.....
giggles
and so on....

2012-01-21T21:45:00.003-05:00

It finally snowed this winter. I love the quiet calm of snow falling at night and how the street lights illuminate the snow.

2012-01-19T14:33:00.006-05:00

These photos were taken about 10 months ago. It's quite shocking to see how much your baby has changed in just a few short months. There is so much about these photos that speak to Oliver's vibrant personality, but there is also so much that has changed. This is a part of life for us now as parents of a small child. Continual and gradual change. Today, I feel okay rolling with it.

Encouraging Conversation

2012-01-13T13:59:00.003-05:00

I was at a local toy store, which I have fallen deeply in love with especially after this conversation.

Ollie was happily playing with a baby stroller and some babies that the store has out for kids while I checked out (and I was buying a baby doll for Ollie too, he's been into playing baby so much lately)

20-something store worker: It's so nice to see a boy who engages in well rounded play.

me: yeah, don't get me wrong he LOVES trucks, but he also loves to play with babies, animals, cooking, and all that good stuff.

worker: Yeah, some people have such distorted ideas of what kids should and shouldn't play with. It's kind of ridiculous.

And, not only did the worker say this most amazing thing, he also took the baby out of the packaging for Oliver and came in front of the counter and handed it to him. So nice. Oliver now has a beautiful baby doll all adorned in pink and light pink for his very own.

Saying (what I think might be) Goodbye to Nursing

2012-01-12T15:30:00.005-05:00

I haven't nursed Ollie in two days and until I thought about it, I hadn't even realized. Up until then we've been nursing once or twice a day - at nap time or if I put him down at night. He just stopped asking and I stopped offering. Since he was 11 or 12 months old, Ollie was never a big nurse during the day baby, he was too busy - maybe one snack in the morning before nap and once or twice in the evening (and until 14 months a lot during the night).

Weaning just sort of happened - it was very, very gradual and for the most part wasn't planned. Looking back, I suppose this was the best way for both of us, because for the most part - I didn't even notice we were weaning and Oliver never had to deal with any major separation of nursing. But now that nursing is on it's way out (I am sure we'll nurse every so often now) it sort of crept up on me and the whole thing is bittersweet. I have a lot of mixed emotions: I am sad, but also relieved, but also nervous that it is winter time and sickness might creep in*. I am happy that we had such a great nursing relationship, especially because of our horrible start, but I am sad to see it coming to a close. The funny part of this whole weaning experience is the realization that once your toddler begins to pretend to be a baby he is, in fact, no longer a baby.

*(knock on wood!) Oliver has literally never had the flu or even a serious cold. He's had two fevers and one stuffy nose in two years. I most certainly credit the wonders of breast milk for this.

Happy New Year

2012-01-02T21:24:00.004-05:00

I rang in the New Year with a great bunch of people

More Thoughts on Birth, Again

2011-12-28T21:52:00.006-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about birth lately, mostly because of Oliver's birthday recently and the telling and re-telling of his nothing short of amazing birth story, but also because there are a lot of women in my life who recently had or will be having a baby(ies) soon.
I hope I will always be a birth-junky (any other good word out there to describe birthy folks - birth junky is not my favorite), even when I move away from birthing age my peers stop having children. I want to believe I will still feel this passion years from now, because I believe how important it is for a woman to have a positive and empowering birth experience. I've talked recently about how I have made more room in my belief of the way in which birth occurs in this country, and despite this space that I've made I still hold onto the belief that we live in a society where the system of childbirth is broken, that women's bodies are hyper-medicalized, and fear, real, unrelenting fear is deeply imbedded in our birth culture. Women and our babies bear the unfortunate burden of these systemic failings. I don't blame individual women for these issues surrounding birth, but rather the complete break down of the system of birth, the culture of fear, the over-use (hyper-use?) of medical interventions for the sake of: profit, litigation, and special interests. This all tears women away from the wisdom, strength, and belief in their bodies, and the reality that birth can be wonderful, full of emotions (and body fluids), but wonderful!
So, I will leave you, my faithful readers, with some birth related links and a good book to keep you in the know (if you are so inclined).

This article - the topic deserves a very well deserved "Duh!"
This interview with Jennifer Block
News about Hero of the Year - Robin Lim
A different way to look at the way in which this culture celebrates heroes (from afar)
This book Home/Birth: a poemic by Arielle Greenberg and Rachel Zucker, which has basically changed my life and confirmed all that I believe about birth.
This great resource about the accuracy of Estimated Due Dates

And last by not least, a photo of my beautiful Oliver Carmino Monta Lino* a short while after his birth. He still makes this face when he cries - it's incredible.

*Oliver holds both of our last names as a part of his identity - Montalino is a combination of my last name (the Monta part) and Ron's (the Lino part) - all of which I don't publish for privacy.

A Year in Photos

2011-12-20T14:06:00.026-05:00

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

December 20, 2011

December 20, 2009

It has been an amazing year. We were able to witness Oliver turn into a toddler, walk, run, talk, sing, and become a little person. Being a mother has been the most rewarding and humbling experience. I think about his birth almost every day. Today, I am thinking about birth, down to almost the hour (it all began around 4pm and Oliver graced us with his presence at 9:58pm) and all of the people who helped us bring Oliver into the world. I just want to say Happy Birthday and a give thanks to all of those who love us, as a family.

This is what December looks like

2011-12-17T23:39:00.010-05:00

Blue Milk has chronicled what December looks like for her, so I thought I accept her invitation to share what December looks like for us. Here goes.

Getting festive picking out a tree

Finding creative things to do indoors because winter is setting in
(while wearing amazingly mis-matched toddler chosen outfits. I actually like when he chooses these crazy outfits)

Capturing quiet moments

Celebrating Oliver's birthday.....

...and celebrating Ron's birthday - the parents went out and got rowdy!

Giving Thanks

2011-11-29T21:26:00.004-05:00

This is me, Thanksgiving day, enjoying the short break I had in between preparing and waiting for guests to arrive (and nap time!). I am thankful that I am rarely in need of a good cuddle.

35 Weeks

2011-11-21T01:52:00.002-05:00

I contributed to this Zine awhile back. This is Volume 3. I feel humbled to be included with the other women who shared their stories.
In case you don't want to read it sideways here is my story:

My baby came to into this world early and quickly - at home. In lots of birth circles, particularly in homebirthy circles, I play up the quickly part. I make excuses that I didn’t transfer to the hospital because there wasn’t time. Otherwise, I’ve been accused of being irresponsible and acting irrationally and risking my son’s life. Fingers pointed in my face, hate mail in my inbox, and my birth story ripped apart on the Internet. The words of home birthing mothers and midwives used the same condemning tone and quick and harsh criticisms that critics of home birth use against them. My first instinct was to go into hiding, to silence myself, to feel shame and embarrassment. I was reminded that women have been pushed in to silence for so long, especially surrounding birth, and I don’t want to stay silent any longer.

What really happened is simple. I went into labor at 35 weeks, my midwife came over, and I gave birth. I never thought what I was doing was radical it was simply a sequence of events. I wasn’t thinking about statistics, or textbook issues that preterm babies can face. I got my baby out and assessed later. I know my midwives did the same, they knew me; they knew my story, my history and my healthy pregnancy. We both knew a hospital was 8 minutes away. My son was born in six hours at 6 pounds 7 ounces he was healthy, I was happy. In three months time my son was a fat and vibrant twelve-pound infant, grown from sweet love and Mama’s milk. Our instincts were right. He did okay. We did okay. I did amazing!

Those of us who do things that are out of the ordinary, that shock and might scare some folks often take the heat. My experience should not open the door for hate and condemnation, but for others to listen, to read, and to learn from it. My eyes are open now because of my birth and the subsequent backlash. I can see that standardizing birth with statistics and textbook problems and solutions erases the human aspect of it. The work that radical midwives do provide an important role not just for women giving birth, but also for keeping cultural history alive. The further midwives are pushed to standardize, the farther away we move from women’s autonomy over birth, our bodies and our babies. Institutional and medical hegemony rein no matter how you contort the language to appear otherwise. The toxic system will never be accepting of homebirth midwives, so we need to keep smashing the system from the outside.

In peace an solidarity,
Jessica

**

2011-11-15T23:48:00.004-05:00

Each passing moment as a mother I am able to reflect upon the places where I used to be unwavering and judgmental about certain issues: home birth, breastfeeding, and co-sleeping. While I still have very deep and passionate beliefs about them I have learned, throughout the past (almost) two years, that being a parent isn't always black and white.

I've learned to be compassionate with other parenting styles and decisions

I've experienced when parenting styles that question or challenge the status quo are often met with harsh criticism and judgements, or they are surprisingly accepted and appreciated. Often times people need some time, patience, and a little dialogue to find common ground.

I've discovered that parenting is a fluid and malleable experience. There are not simply two sides to every issue, and that parents fall somewhere on a vast spectrum of parenting philosophies.

I've also learned that the hegemonic culture (culturally and institutionally) in the United States works on binaries and push divisive tactics that get people to produce more inflamed and dramatic issues that only drive the wedge deeper. This creates deeper divisions and impacts the authenticity of our interactions with others.

Gender Baby, Gender!

2011-11-09T21:34:00.009-05:00

Gendered greeting cards from Sociological Images

And this kick ass graffiti shared by Blue Milk via What Calico did Next

I am always amazed at the complete lack of awareness people have regarding how simply (and often) children are gendered. Why so much hyper-gendering of our babies? Because folks get freaked out when they are faced with people who transgress gender. If you can't easily tell what gender someone is it can be difficult for folks to know how to treat them and how to talk to them. Newborns, infants, and toddlers most certainly transgress gender. Take away the pink and blue and babies look like plain old human babies! In a culture so obsessed with gender binaires, it's important to know for sure if baby is a boy or girl. So cue the hyper-gendering (of everything), because without it folks are lost and don't know how to treat our little ones, and we end up with shit like this.

Dear 2012 Presidential Candidates,

2011-11-08T13:20:00.000-05:00

We are your future constituents and we are parents. We are American mothers and fathers and grandparents and guardians. Our families might be the most diverse in the world. Blended and combined in endless permutations, we represent every major religion, political ideology and ethnic culture that exists. We are made from equal parts biology and choice. Our children come to us in every way possible—including fertility miracles, adoption, and remarriage.

Our very modern families embody the freedom that defines America. We embody America. We are rich in diversity, but we are united in our family values. We come together today, with one voice, to express our grave disappointment in the national political discourse.

The 2012 countdown has barely begun and we are already being bombarded with the warmed-over, hypocritical rhetoric of 2008. We are living in a time where 15.1% of Americans now live in poverty, the unemployment rate stands at 16%, and we are spending close to $170 billion annually between the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan*.

Given the current state of affairs we would expect every candidate to focus on the issues that truly matter: job creation, debt-relief, taxes, education, poverty, and ending the war(s). Instead, it is already clear to us that the conversation has been hijacked, with the goal of further polarizing our nation into a politically motivated and falsely created class-war.

We will not stand for another campaign year in which politicians presume to know what our family values are as they relate to the nation.

To be clear, here are our family values:

Affordable health care, including family planning, for all Americans. We will not tolerate any candidate using the shield of “Choice” to blind us from the issues that really matter. When funding is stripped from organizations like Planned Parenthood, access to sliding-scale health care (including yearly pap smears & mammograms), comprehensive sex education, and family planning is blocked from the poorest of the population.

Access to education, and the ability to actually use it. We want quality, affordable, federally-funded pre-K programs made available in every State, in order to provide an even starting point for all children enrolled in public schools— regardless of the wealth of the district or town they live in.

A reinstatement of regulations for banks issuing mortgages and full prosecution for those who engaged in fraudulent lending practices. We want full accountability —investigation, indictment and prosecution— of those individuals and institutions who engaged in fraudulent lending practices and who helped create the massive foreclosures that left many families homeless or struggling to keep their homes.

A return of strict environmental regulations protecting water, air, food, and land that were removed in the last two decades. We want our children to grow up in a world not weighed down by the strains of pollution and global warming. Between BPA in our products, sky-rocketing rates of asthma in kids, questionable hormones in our over-processed food, and more, we need leaders who will put our needs and safety over the desires and profits of large corporations.

Family planning, healthcare, education, economic solvency and environmental safety: these are our national family values.

Candidates who demonstrate the ability to understand the gravity of these issues, and their impact on our families, and who can provide actual, viable solutions to these problems will garner our support and our votes.

We believe in this democratic system of ours, and we will continue to use our voices and our votes to see that it reaches its fullest potential.

Sincerely,

Your future constituents,

The mothers & fathers of America

If you would like to forward this letter to your elected officials, please click here!

To see who is participating in Blog-In 2011, please click here!

* Sources for statistics

The Halloween Blizzard

2011-11-03T23:25:00.008-04:00

New England was pummeled with a snowstorm on Saturday night. Under normal winter circumstances this would have been just a run of the mill snow storm, but because of a late foliage (and that it was October!) most deciduous trees weren't prepared to handle a foot or more of heavy and wet snow. There were downed trees, limbs, and with them power lines. Many people were (and still are) without power. Luckily, our house was not affected by the power outages for very long, but you can see our backyard didn't fair very well in the storm. But we did manage to have some fun with the snow and I had to do some snow gardening to free the brussel sprouts and leeks from under a foot of snow.

A Million Miles

2011-11-03T23:19:00.003-04:00

When you have a child it's easy to forget what life was like before you became a parent. I have quick glimpses of it here and there, but often it feels like a million miles away. Some days that distance is a terrific thing, other times I envy the person I was before having a child. Today was a good day to be a mother. I feel blessed and loved and happy.

Vintage Photos of Musicians Who Make Me Swoon

2011-10-26T20:36:00.003-04:00

New England Fall

2011-10-18T21:17:00.014-04:00

We went apple picking, a New England tradition with a contemporary twist, this orchard was infused with sculptures of all kinds. Oliver was in love and in awe with the magical wonderland of woodland creatures, but unsure of the wind in the open fields and the hens swarming for a share of corn. It made for a beautiful fall weekend adventure.

More Thoughts on Gender and Parenting

2011-10-11T23:28:00.005-04:00

Look at this boy. My beautiful boy. When I looked at this photo at first glance my heart melted. Then I realized, gosh he's such a BOY! How did that happen?! It made me question my ability to parent with a broad gender spectrum. The house is slowly filling up with trucks and truck books. I find myself engaging in the kind of play reserved for boys, at least I think so. I get all worried that he is being limited, that masculinity (the hyper kind) can be isolating and difficult for creative and sensitive boys to navigate - and I don't want to leave Oliver in the lurch.
Then we took a walk to the park and I got to observe some of the hyper - early masculinity at it's best. Baby boys with shaved heads (Great Grandpa recently made a comment: when's he going to get a boy hair cut - remove all those baby curls), hyper aggressive and violent play (most often imitating TV characters), talk about guns, sports, video games, and girlfriends (keep in mind these are children no older than 3!) I also observed the clothes; "big" boys pants and work boots, gendered slogan shirts (boys dig dirt!), and on and on. I realized that maybe I wasn't so in line with the status quo. That my boy, my baby boy, is well rounded after all. I also found it interesting that many folks call Oliver a she, even when he is in gender specific cloths. I always wondered what that was all about. Today an older woman kept saying "your daughter", when I corrected her (I hesitated to do so) she said, "Oh! But look at that beautiful blonde curly hair, so beautiful, I was sure he was a girl". Now I get it, hair really does matter, even at 21 months (and my gosh, I am going to keep those luscious baby curls for how ever long they last, babies with shaved heads are simply strange). What a strange and fascinating world we live in.

Dinner

2011-10-02T23:10:00.002-04:00

With a toddler you have to get used to sharing your food.

*

2011-09-28T21:30:00.002-04:00

This kid loves blueberries.

And the camera lens.

Parenting Problems

2011-09-13T23:00:00.004-04:00

I remember when diaper changes used to be easy and sweet and a time when I could coo with my baby and zerbert his belly. Now it is toddler-demon-diaper-changes-from-hell! The whole situation is trying my patience and is the bane of my existence. There I said it, I dread diaper changes! Or any transition time during the day as a matter of fact.

This loss of patience, this all consuming stress that I've been feeling lately also stirs up the feeling that my problem really isn't a legitimate problem. I keep hearing myself complain over and over in my head about how difficult it is to get Oliver in a new diaper, and it sounds so simple and so whiny, and that SO many other people have bigger issues to worry about, and the guilt ensues. Then, in trying to figure out what the heck this guilt is all about, I think about when I had all-consuming-stress other times in my life. For example, in grad school when I was writing my thesis. I can recall feeling an all-consuming- stress, becoming overwhelmed about it, and never once thinking it wasn't a "real" problem, or ever feeling guilty about it. So what the fuck is the difference?

My late night, overtired analysis is simple. Thesis work and stress is considered "real work" - contributing to society kind of work, and occurs out in the public sphere (although, I have been internally working on how the work of parenting is similar to the work of a grad student, but that's a funny post for another day). The stress is legitimate (at least that is how I internalized it), warranted, and expected. So it's easy to not feel guilty about this kind of stress. Whereas mama-type problems and stress (or parenting problems and stress) are often met with an eye roll and snort, inferring to the recipient to get-some-real-problems. This sentiment I have internalized and am now grappling with. I don't feel that I have a legitimate problem - that it is all silly to stress out about diapering my child! That people have bigger problems and I shouldn't complain for fear of sounding like, well.... a Mom. So here I sit, later than I'd like to be awake, and grappling with my real, but not-so-real, all consuming stress. Please someone give me permission to stress out about diapering! Thanks.

2011-09-06T20:56:00.005-04:00

Sometimes impromptu trips are the best. Ollie and I had the opportunity to get in some last minute beach time on the Cape with a very good friend who normally lives far away. We didn't blink an eye - packed the car up and took off eastward. It was a lovely trip with lovely people.

This Little Guy of Mine

2011-08-31T20:10:00.004-04:00

I think Oliver is the only 20 month old who still uses his exersaucer - the best freecycle find ever (I had only got it out of desperation while we were unpacking after moving into our house last year). This child adores it and with a dying passion. He spins and spins and spins, and with such grace too. I always say he'll be a dancer (which is often met with eye rolls). Here he is having helped himself into the saucer - it might be time to retire the "bouncy" as we call it at the Montalino household.

Marvin has been sleeping in clothes baskets lately, you know cats with their revolving napping headquarters. Oliver thinks this is just the best thing ever and made his way into the basket with Marvin. He really loves his kitty cat.

The Squash

2011-08-22T23:08:00.003-04:00

The squash have succumbed to root rot and mildew. Truth be told, the gardener threw in the towel, there isn't much more I can do. After about three weeks of religiously spraying the plants with baking soda and water, carefully cutting off each contaminated leaf, and especially after all that the fruits started rotting off I decided that this whole processes was making gardening not fun any longer. I am really sad and feel a little silly for being so invested in these plants. This is also on the back of my first fermentation gone wrong attempt. But on a lighter note: the green beans are amazing and the herbs are in full swing and I canned about six pounds of peaches, which was incredibly easy.

Farm Economy

2011-08-17T11:23:00.020-04:00

It's fairly obvious we are in difficult economic times nationally and globally. I see this as a result of corporate greed, their drive for profits as the bottom line, and the exploitation of the working people in our community and in the global economy. At this point, I am wondering how people still believe in the capitalist infrastructure. Personally, I think Marx and Trotsky had it right, at least in part.

This post isn't about the down side of the economy rather, the surprising upside of this "tough time" - at least a piece of it that I witness in my corner of the globe. I have seen a quite literal growth of local economy in the abundance of local and small organic farming. In Western Mass alone there are around 40 farmers markets and a large number of CSAs in the form of farm shares.

So you're asking how the heck is the growth of farmers markets and small farming in Massachusetts connected to the larger economy. Well, here's my observation: Small, local and organic farms have been on the rise with the help of the the slow food movement, awareness of healthy eating, a commitment to the environment, and the farmers markets expanding their vendors to include meats, local crafts and goods, as well as entertainment, and an amazing family friendly atmosphere (Go! Tuesday Market). I also observe folks in my area making a conscious effort to keep money local and to invest and commit to small business; knowing that keeping money in our community helps boosts our local economy in many ways. I see the growth in support of farming as way to create jobs (a hot button phrase in Washington) because, when mainstream 9-5 jobs are scarce and the economy is bad, folks find unique ways to create income. With the reinvestment in community - maybe they start their own business, or take the opportunity to grow their small business because they are in higher demand. I see this in farming with the increase in popularity of farmers markets and CSAs.

Okay, okay, you want to argue that local food is more expensive, right? In many cases I'd argue no, it actually is not. CSA shares, like my local farm, are shockingly affordable. I mean, really, really affordable. For example, Mountain View Farm's fees are as follows.

"The cost of the share for the 2011 season is based on a sliding scale. The share fee ranges from $495 to$595. Please select a payment amount on the agreement form that works for you. The season runs for 22 weeks; the cost of the share breaks down to $22 to $27 per week."

And to let you know what the share loosely consisted of last week: four cantaloupe, one watermelon, and canvas bag full of assorted: carrots, beets, onions, summer squash, peppers, eggplant, garlic (and more!), herbs to pick, cherry tomatoes, greens and lettuce! (many folks find one share large enough to split, making the cost even lower)

Another branch of the affordability of local food is that many of the farmer's markets in Western Massachusetts accept SNAP (food stamps) and WIC farmers market checks, many of whom double the amount for SNAP benefits, like the Tuesday Market does. Even if you are paying cash, farmer's markets also have amazing produce and prices. Granted, you may pay a little bit more for a dozen eggs or a pound of tomatoes, at this point however, produce is so expensive at grocery stores the price is comparable (the quality of farm fresh is outstanding!). My main point here is: the price may be slightly higher to the consumer, but the cost to the community is low and that is just as important. I look at it like this: somehow in a recession or depression many folks still find the money to keep paying for cable, which is very costly to both the individual and the community. Instead, I find that spending a little more (not much) on quality food that nourishes my family and my community is well worth it. It is an investment on a larger scale.

This may seem like a niaeve or advantageous economic theory, after all I am no economist. But really, this is what I see around me and when something is difficult to ignore - you know there is a larger cultural movement in our midst.

Beautiful beets ready for roasting from our CSA

Local eggs from the Farmer's Market

And finally, Ollie engaging in his favorite summer time activity. Inhaling fruit, in this case it's a peach, both the baby and the food.

Just a little check in...

2011-08-16T19:45:00.007-04:00

We've been hard at work (and play) around here.

Oliver has been eating like a champ lately. Every meal.
I think he is growing. I just wish toddlers would space out their quality eating time and just eat well all of the time. (don't get me wrong, he can be Mr picky pants too)

A trip to the Zoo, Ollie enjoyed the Capabara.

Outdoor adventure time in the garden.

The bees have been hard at work too.

Our Day

2011-08-08T12:48:00.006-04:00

One of the best things about gardening is a fresh jar of flowers.

This boy loves his cat.
Marvin looks skeptical, but I promise he loves cuddles with Ollie.

Swinging Sequence with Dada

2011-08-02T21:53:00.009-04:00

Oliver had some quality Dada time this weekend. They went on a long walk and a trip to the park where Ron caught these lovely photos. When I asked Ron what Ollie was laughing about he responded, "Just swinging". This made my heart swell. The simple brilliance of swinging in the summer air. A great reminder to take a deep breath and enjoy the little lovely things in life.

PS. The lovely Leya over at Curious Bird is making a big move so in the meantime she's invited some guests to help occupy her blog space - so go on over and keep a look out for yours truly.

Sweet

2011-07-27T20:15:00.003-04:00

Sometimes we get caught eating junk food around here.
Like delicious apple turnovers really early in the morning.

2011-07-26T21:47:00.002-04:00

I'd like to be more of a presence over here on this blog. So I am leaving you with my new favorite image (can you believe it does not have Ollie in it?!) and a promise to keep on blogging - about being a Mama, about gender, about birth, about what I'm creating (maybe even knitting, but most certainly what I am gardening) and about life in general. So stay tuned and thanks for reading!

The Garden and The Baby

2011-07-25T12:36:00.013-04:00

Ollie getting ready for his photo shoot
(ps, how'd this chunky baby become so tall and thin?)

Can't you see him as a future photographer?

My boys in the garden June 26

The squash June 26

We attempted to trellis the squash twice before we finally got it. The original plan was to create a wooden A-Frame, well I discovered I am a terrible carpenter. We used to left over wood to make Oliver a bigger sand box. It is simple, but it works.

Here is the final trellis, made of metal electrical conduit and gardeners netting.
(Directions and supplies are listed below). The pumpkins have gotten out of control. I sadly ripped out one pumpkin plant and thinned the remaining plants. There was just too much.

Here are my favorite squash. Greek Sweet Red butternuts. They are beautiful!

Our Calendula almost ready to be harvested for seeds. One huge Cosmo, my newest favorite flower (and it hasn't even bloomed yet). The herb and flower bed is my favorite. We managed to pack in basil, thyme, sage, calendula, peppers, lavender, marigolds, and oregano into one bed. I am proud of my design and planning skills.

Ollie pulling a radish. One thing I love about our garden is that Oliver has time to explore nature in what would be a barren yard and condensed neighborhood. I will admit when they were seedlings and small plants it was a stressful to have a grabby toddler around, but I learned to relax a little and give him some space, while also teaching Ollie to be gentile with the plants. Nurturing plants provides an amazing forum for learning of all ages ( I also love sharing with the neighborhood kids, they get to pick a carrot and some beans). Now that the plants are bigger it has been a blessing to have him "help" and explore. Here he is among the pumpkins before we trellised them. He played with the wood chips for 20 minutes or so, while also being respectful of the plants. It is a great day when we can have some quality outdoor time.

As I am finishing up this blog post, we're getting some much needed rain. Let's just hope it is enough to give all the plants a much needed drink.

Electrical Conduit Garden Trellis adapted from Square Foot Gardening by Mel Bartholomew

Supplies
3 - 8 foot long 3/4 inch metal conduit about (I had them cut the 10 foot poles to 8 feet at Home Depot, one because ten feet seemed over kill and two because 8 feet would fit in my Corolla)
2 - 4 foot long 1/2 inch re bar poles
2 - 3/4 inch electrical conduit elbows
1 - package of trellis netting.

First place the elbows on the top cross bar. Lay this down where you'd like to set up the trellis, mark it.
Hammer in the rebar down two feet. (two feet above and two below).
While on the ground, attach the trellis "legs" to the elbows and secure.
Test out to make sure it slides onto the rebar.
Take off and lie the trellis frame on the ground again, tie on the garners netting stretching as you go.
If you want added support you can zip tie some of the netting on. We didn't but we will if it needs extra support along the way.

Here are some tips! Originally I bought the plastic conduit to try and save some money and in my haste the 1/2" conduit didn't fit onto the re bar AND it was really unsteady because it was flexible. Splurge for the metal and the quality elbows. I can image this trellis (with new netting) will last a few years.
This is a pricey trellis, but of high quality. It is worth it to spend the extra few dollars. This was a quick and easy set up. The most time consuming task was tying on the netting.

Ah...Sweet Summer

2011-07-08T20:40:00.007-04:00

What's better than relaxing in the window seat of the old fashioned ice cream shop? Nothing, really.

Oliver is into water play of all kinds. I am surprised he still has clothes on.

Thinning carrots: June 28

First (small) carrot harvest: July 6
These are Cosmic Purple and Lemon yellow Jaune Obtuse du Doubs from Baker Creek Heirloom seeds

The garden is growing! This photo is actually from two weeks ago, currently the pole beans are much higher (with 6 foot poles added) and the pumpkins are out of control, spilling out of the raised bed and into the yard. I might, on occasion, regret planting so many of them, or should I have faith in the trellis method? (One of my tasks in the next two weeks is to build the trellis)

Life With a Toddler - It Ain't All Fun and Games

2011-06-08T12:42:00.007-04:00

Most of our days may appear to be nice and serene and sweet, like this above photo. But life with a toddler can be like living with a tiny little hurricane just waiting to happen. For example, mere seconds after taking this photo Ron and I had to basically wrestle Ollie off of his cousin because he wanted to climb up the stairs and she was in his way. He was incessantly screaming "two! two! two!" because that is what he says when climbing things (for a while I was counting the stairs, steps etc while climbing, it's really cute most of the time). As quickly as it began, it is over. 0 to 60 and 60 to.... "Oh, THAT toy is interesting". I will happily give up the obsession and persistent nature of a toddler any day.

Honestly, I have great fun with Oliver. He is vibrant and vivacious and all of the positive fun adjectives you can imagine. It's just a very intense and challenging time to parent a toddler. Even someone with the best patience can break and I work really hard to keep it together for him (and me). Although, sometimes I have to break out my firm words, boundary setting, and redirection and it usually works well, he gets the point that Mama is serious. My sister also taught Ollie how to take deep breaths - and he's caught onto it quite well (and it's pretty adorable). I find it to be a tool of distraction from the fit or obsession/frusteration item of the moment. The following photos contain the fun and interesting adventure of exploring corn starch and water aka goop for the first time. He actually took a little while to get covered in goop he was very delicate and perplexed at first.

He painted his belly with it.

And smiled and said "Cheese!" for the camera. Then it was bath time.

The Yard and Photos From Our Neighborhood

2011-05-18T20:51:00.011-04:00

At the moment the North East is covered in rain. On a positive note, I finally got around to taking a photo of our yard and garden beds and some of the amazing Magnolia trees in our neighborhood. All of which have now dropped their flowers, but they were spectacular for the few weeks of budding, and I enjoyed every moment I was able to be in the presence of their beauty and sent. In the present I am loving the abundant Lilac bushes; I am big on fragrances.

Below is our yard, taken about two weeks ago. And looking at it like this it seems pitiful and small. But we do what we can in a small space in an urban setting. If you can believe it we actually have one of the biggest plots in the neighborhood. Unfortunately we rent, otherwise the entire yard would be a delightful work in progress. The back half of the yard is for the tenants upstairs and is in quite horrible shape, we happily gave it up to them in exchange for the front half with grass and sunlight (but less privacy and much less space). The soil in the back is compact and covered with terribly ill placed and overgrown trees, for example a willow in the center of the yard which shades almost the entire back half and drops sticks all year long. Luckily they have a dog who dosen't mind the yard and loves the space.

We make our space workable by having minimal play "things" for Oliver (if you can imagine this small area used to host a huge double wooden glider, a large yellow slide, this small orange slide, a cube plastic toddler climber, the dog house, the dog, and two large Adirondack chairs. To say it was cramped was an understatement). For Ollie we have a little dirt/sand box for him, a slide, and now we have an old tire and we're getting some logs, and rocks for him to play and explore with. Hopefully he can soon explore bugs, plants and flowers too when they are big and hearty and not so fragile. At the moment he loves to "brush" the red leaf lettuce or drive his truck in it. I tolerate it for a little while until he gets too rough and starts destroying it. For the adults we obviously have the garden beds and a clothes line that is on a pulley/cleat system so we can bring it down to hang and bring back up out of the way when we are drying the clothes. I also have a big plastic bin to keep gardening tools in and a beach chair for lounging in.

The front of the yard is south facing and gets an abundance of sun the majority of the day. Taking this photo I am in my living room and this basically captures the entirety of it, with exception of the hose directly under me and the gate to the right. The first front bed is host to carrots (purple and yellow heirloom), leeks, radishes (which we picked the first one today!). The second middle bed provides flowers and herbs. Nasturtiums, cosmos, marigolds, calendula, lavender, cilantro, sage, and basil. This bed is going to be bursting with life and maybe a little over crowded, but I was careful in planning it so I am hopeful there will be enough room for it all. The last bed (the north east corner) has red leaf lettuce and Kentucky Wonder and Black Valentine beans (which will be trellised). The back larger bed will be my pumpkin and squash experiment. I am going to construct an a-frame trellis and grow them up with 1x2's and trellis netting. Behind that bed, along the front of the ugly temporary fencing is a line of sunflowers, which are currently about three inches high. In the far corners I also scattered some wild flower seeds. I took a chance with these perennials because the seed packets were half off. If I later regret this eh, so be it. I think in my quest for beauty I might have gone a little overboard. Of course I have a few plants on the front porch, some mint in a large pot and Ron is growing hot pepper in pots too. I can't wait for all of this to finally pop. Not only will there be more beauty in our yard, but I can stop following my toddler around saying, "don't dig up the baby plants, they need to grow".

This is the sad balk half of the yard, which goes back and behind the house. I have my compost bin back there nearest the back door. I think the yellow slide is nicely nestled away amid the trees for the five year old. They have plans to build a tree house, which I think will be a happy addition to this drab space.

Neighborhood Magnolia Tree

And two cute babies when the weather was hot and sunny, not dreary and cold.

Gender Links

2011-05-05T20:59:00.005-04:00

Some links about gender to ponder.

Fascinating project with a look into the pink and blue culture, The Pink & Blue Project. Also a great look into consumerism. Can you believe all of the shit that these kids have?
From the artist:

"My current work, The Pink and Blue Projects are the topic of my thesis. This project explores the trends in cultural preferences and the differences in the tastes of children (and their parents) from diverse cultures, ethnic groups as well as gender socialization and identity. The work also raises other issues, such as the relationship between gender and consumerism, urbanization, the globalization of consumerism and the new capitalism." JeongMee Yoon.

And the very popular book Cinderella Ate My Daughter by Peggy Orenstein. When I took this book out of the library, of all the incendiary titles I have taken out over the years, this book is the only one that caught the librarians attention.

Also check out these two interesting uses of word clouds by The Achilles Effect. The first one highlights toy ads for children and her second word cloud highlights the descriptions of male and female characters in animated TV shows and movies. Which seem to display some progress. I like that the word tough seems to be equal for both male and female characters. However, the boys don't have clueless as an adjective, but they do have obsessive in there, ugh, back to the drawing board.

A Few More Photos

2011-05-03T21:36:00.004-04:00

Evidence that I am partaking in the gendering of my child as a boy. But gosh, dosen't he look sharp!

This is how all of our holiday parties end, or any family party for that matter. Half naked rambunctiousness while your family members video it. Classic.

I Promised a Photo

2011-04-20T22:07:00.004-04:00

I have recently promised a photo of the garden. It has been so dreary the past few days I didn't want to depress anyone. Anyhow, instead I have these photos. One of Oliver two hours old. The other of him today, celebrating 16 months on the dot, and true to toddler form, he loves to be naked (or semi naked).

Lots of Hulabloo About Gender and Some Clarity

2011-04-19T22:56:00.003-04:00

In light of the recent J. Crew ad which sparked a world of media frenzy about gender, the "homosexual agenda", and of course attacking masculinity. Yeesh! ABC, CBS, and Fox News have all gone crazy about this ad. My response to the gender shenanigans is first, a big sigh, and then some clarification regarding sex and gender.

All too often I read and hear people using sex and gender interchangeably. I know you've all filled out a form that asks your gender with male and female as the two choices. This is simply incorrect, gender and sex are not one in the same. Here's why. My disclaimer: please keep in mind these are simplified examples - I don't want to seem as if I'm doing a disservice to any one particular group. Positive and kind corrections/feedback is welcomed.

Sex is biologically determined, although some scholars would argue that sex, like gender, is a social construction, which I agree with. For simplicity, I'll say that sex = male or female. The biology, hormones, and reproductive organs that one is born with. Those who are advocating for more than one sex are often placed in a catch all term called intersex, you can read more about it here: intersex.

Gender is an identity. The dominant terms are man or woman (but also included transgender and gender queer). These identities are created and maintained by social, cultural, and historical actions. They are upheld by laws, science, and common/social and cultural knowledge and behavior. Transgender is an identity, but is also an umbrella term with intersex, transexual (those who choose to reassign their sex with surgery and/or hormones) and gender non-conforming (gender queer) under it. Like all identities they are fluid and malleable and may look different at the individual level.

Gender expression is the way in which we perform gender. Masculine, feminine, somewhere in between, or not at all. These too are socially constructed behaviors, which are created and maintained by social and cultural norms that are deemed "normal" and "appropriate". They are often subtle, taken for granted behaviors that are deemed innate and something we are born with.

This is the place where people got all flustered about the damn toenail polish. Polish is feminine ie: for girls, and plain toe nails (how boring!) are for boys (but also for girls, confusing I know). The problem with a subscribed and rigid binary of masculine and feminine expression is that in reality people don't fit nicely into either one. Think about your gender expression (how you "do gender" on a daily basis). Put on a bra, a dress, pants, the way you walk, talk, eat, laugh, and so on. It is all gendered, and it looks different on lots of people. Personally, I am not 100% super ultra high feminine, but I am a woman - a bio woman to boot. My gender expression fits somewhere on a continuum. I have been known to be scrappy, and I will admit to not shaving my legs often, does this make me less of a woman? We have to question the dominant ideologies and norms that maintain these rigid behaviors. We all contribute to them. We need to stop policing our peoples, our children, our families. Exploring both masculine and feminine "behaviors" is a healthy way to be a well rounded individual and I believe will help communication between men and women (and all people). I'm am not raising my son not to be a boy, but I am sure that he is able to be both rowdy and affectionate, intense and calm, beautiful and handsome, and any other way he wants to express himself or explore the world around him.

We can see, very simply, that gendered behaviors are socially constructed as social norms (and laws), as masculine and feminine behaviors have changed drastically over time. A hundred years ago the social standards for men and women were much different. In the United States alone, it would be unacceptable for men to study along side me, it would be strange for me to wear pants (and in some instances illegal), the jobs I could obtain would be limited (and backed my science, because of our delicate and fragile reproductive system prevented us from work in particular occuptaions). I also couldn't vote, but that is a whole other blog post.

In a nutshell.

Sex is biololgy. Gender is identity. Gender expression is performance.

And all of the above stuff is backed by my degree in, ahem, advanced feminist theory. so yeah I am smart, wicked smart.

Gardening and Why I Love My Adopted City

2011-04-18T20:54:00.003-04:00

I made a promise (and a note) to take a photo of my yard to document the start of our first attempt at gardening. This photo is also a for myself too, so I can keep track of the growth - because I know come August when our four garden beds are flowing (maybe overflowing, whose idea was it to grow pumpkins in a small yard, oh yeah, mine!) with ripe vegetables, I'll forget what they looked like with just bare dirt. I invite the transformation and am humbled that a tiny little seed and sprout will produce food.

I have three 10'x3' beds that will host three kinds of beans, lettuce, carrots, herbs and flowers, leeks and brussel sprouts. I am a planner (my sister will attest to that fact) and I have mapped out the space needed and how I am planning to grow all this food in such small space. Lots of successive planting, ropes and growing vertically by trellising and staking and also annoying my husband to no end by sitting up at night with the light on and stressing about space.

The fourth bed is 10'x5' and will host sugar pumpkins, butternut (Greek Sweet Reds) squash, and delicata squash - also growing them vertically. I mostly believe I am crazy to think this will all fit in these four beds, but it is worth a shot and I know I will have some disasters, but if I can grow some food I will be happy. I am already impressed with our radish sprouts (to mark the carrot rows). PS all of the seeds were purchased at these two heirloom seed companies. Baker Creek and Comstock and Ferre.

My last note for the day is. I love parks!!! My adopted city is just dishing out the many reasons why I love living here. We have this amazing park about 5 blocks away and today it was buzzing with kids (it is school vacation week) and it was just so lovely being there watching kids play and talking with parents. My nephew and I (and Ollie) went twice today!

When I was in college I was a nanny for two families in Boston. I always loved going to parks. It was an equal mix of sitting back and watching the kids go crazy and also playing myself. Parks always make me feel really happy. I always want to climb all over the playscapes, and most of the time I do, except when I have one (or this morning two) toddlers in tow (two toddlers and a five year old at a park is no joke!). I think a lot happens at parks that can be easily overlooked. It is an arena for children to negotiate play, make choices, get into disagreements, make friends, gain a little freedom from hoovering parents (for the most part) and making connections in the community.

What was most fascinating for me was watching my nephew (who is 5) make friends with a 4 year old boy. I think their energies and risk levels matched really well and they were both equally as shy at the start to play together. The only thing that was apparent in the age difference was at the end, we were saying our good byes and the little boy hugged my nephew, and he obliged, but then quickly, like a big boy, said, "Wait, wait (boys name), give me a high five". It was almost as if he had outgrown the hugs, like his big school aged self was beyond hugging and onto high fives. Last year at this time, I can see 4 year old nephew not hesitating for one second to hug. In fact he often instigated hugs and kisses! It is amazing to see this special boy grow up, and interesting how the biggest changes are seen in such subtle ways.

I Find Mothering to be Liberating

2011-04-12T21:19:00.010-04:00

No, seriously, I do. Historically, white women (typically middle class, educated types. somewhat like myself, although I have to say I identify as mostly working class, with the ability to "pass" as middle class, but this is a whole other blog post in itself), have found motherhood to be stifling, trapped, depressed, lonely. While I can say I sometimes relate to these feelings, I mostly feel confident and comfortable in my identity and role as a mother. Here are some of the reasons I find motherhood to be liberating.

1. I honestly feel comfortable and confident in my role: as a human being, as a community member, as a woman, as a partner, as a sister, and so on. For so many years I spent massive amounts of time feeling like what I was doing wasn't good enough. A lot of time was spent being critical of the ways society is set up (which I still hold to a point) and how the work I was doing wasn't helping, but rather perpetuating the broken system. There was a lot of feeling of boredom, repetition, and disconnection. Becoming Mama to Ollie I've felt this self-critique melt away, and while sometimes I can feel trapped, most days I feel like I have to whole world to explore sitting right there in front of me. Life is almost never boring, and I feel a deep sense of purpose. As cliche as it sounds, our children are our best teachers.

2. Motherhood grounds me. I am constantly in the present, appreciating the day to day moments. I had previously spent so much time concerned with what life will be like in the future. Questioning if I'll be successful. What job I'll have, what house I'll live in, how much happier I'll be when I get said things. Much of it was set on upward mobility - breaking the class barriers and moving up to be respected and have authority and autonomy. This was very much a guise I liked to hide under, or some empty hope that was instilled in me. I am less obsessed with what the future holds and more in touch with what life is filled with in the present, even if it includes my child melting down because he dosen't want to come inside. While I still think about the future, and know it is important to set goals, they are realistic,far less self-deprecating, and not set to unreachable cultural standards.

3. I watch waaaaaaay less television than I used to. This act alone is pretty liberating. I read a whole lot more. I try and take full advantage of nap time, even if it is only 45 minutes. I also try and have at least one day a week unplugged from the computer. So far it's been working.

4. I can wear the same clothes three days in a row and frankly don't give a shit. This is less of "letting myself go" and more of a "fashion is sort of bullshit anyway" ideology, that and it cuts down on laundry.

I will give credit with credit is due, my post has somewhat been inspired by this post over at Blue Milk

Thoughts on Birth and Words

2011-03-22T20:54:00.002-04:00

I have a lot brewing in this head of mine. Mostly about the problematic discourse of natural childbirth and how us "birthy" folks get caught up in a convoluted mess when we start explaining or defending natural birth. We need to redefine (actually dismantle) the cultural and institutional ideologies around birth, and for that matter, women, before any real changes can be made. Otherwise you're birthing against the grain, and like me in a completely radical way, where home birth folks point fingers at me, as well as medical folks, for the way I gave birth to my pre-term baby. This reminds me of something that I wrote when I was almost four months pregnant in August 2009: here goes.

Re-reading my thesis on birth I have come to really hate it. Despise it really. Not only was I pushed to write something I only half-heatedly believe in, but also I had to do it in a way that removed my voice and the voice of the women I interviewed. I feel like I have done a great disservice to those women – and something very un-feminist, but completely and disgustingly scholarly. On the other hand, I truly believe in what I wrote – that there are pieces of it that frame and highlight natural discourse in way that displays how rigidly aligning with one way of thinking can be damaging. That life is fluid – malleable – and ever changing and we, as humans who have created this reality, have to have the flexibility to shift along with it. Our culture – in America – doesn’t allow or honor fluidity but rigid and linear structure - a hardened clay left out to dry.

What I realized is that the words we have to describe birth are not adequate in meaning. We use them (natural, the urge to push etc) because there are no other words to adequately describe the reality of birth. Our culture and language has never had the ability to describe the emotional meaning and reality of birth. Unfortunately this western culture lives by words, and as I am humbly coming to recognize there are no words strong enough or succinct enough to encompass what birth is and how women live and do it. It has been taken away from us, and I can’t begin, or have the energy, or even feel important enough, or cocky enough to begin to theorize or intellectualize about when this stripping of reality has begun – I just know it exists I am living it. Having only 15 weeks of pregnancy under my belt and how this reality of growing a baby is so utterly different than I had ever imagined, I realized during a moment of defending my decisions thus far, that to describe what I hope to achieve in birth as “natural” is an inadequate a word – but it’s all we’ve got. Because right now – in this emotional moment this whole experience feels so very strangely foreign, unreal, and completely unworldly. That to think about it or describe this feeling as “hormonal” is simplistic, and almost insulting. I am not sure what I need to do to express myself in this moment and the many other moments I’ve had about birth... would it be better to sing it or to perform it, to dance to show my emotion, I don’t know – but for now all I can deliver are words – inadequate and culturally weighted words.

Overcoming Fragility

2011-03-06T19:54:00.011-05:00

It's raining here and all of the snow is melting away leaving a thick fog. It feels very sobering; melancholy really. And as the earth outside my window is shedding her winter coat, I too am shedding some emotional baggage that has been weighing me down.

I have read a few birth stories recently that required some emergency interventions (for lack of a better term), both home births, one of multiples, requiring a transfer of the Mama for hemorrhage and the second, a surprise unassisted home birth where the Mama had to use resuscitation breaths on her newborn. While both women feel confident, happy, and unapologetic about their births (which they should be, being the amazingly strong and inspiring women they are) reading and seeing these births have shaken up that fragile glass orb of trauma that lives inside of me and has been lingering for 14 months.

Giving birth to Oliver was monumental, amazing, exhilarating, and superb. Our postpartum time was not quite so dream like. Our baby moon was full of ounce-by-ounce weight checks and breastfeeding nightmare. I am proud of myself, I pat myself on the back each day for doing what we did, for nurturing our son in a gentile way, away from bright lights and high NICU interventions (and all haters of this birth story, stay the FUCK away from me, you hear, this is a forum for healing, not hating, thank you!).

Our experience didn't leave me free from trauma, from the absolute vulnerability, and fragility of Oliver. Not until I took the time to reflect upon our postpartum time did I realize that I was going through some of the symptoms of postpartum depression (PPD), but what I like to refer to as postpartum trauma. Our postpartum time was full of heightened emotions and very little space for joy or celebration, we were head down focused on getting him to gain weight. The nights were long and dark and the days were full of ups and downs. During that time I tried my best to keep my emotions in check, being a "rock", so to speak. All of my worry, hard work to get him to nurse, and healing (both physical and emotional) my fragile emotional state was put on the back burner. My baby was fragile, I was hurting, and the outside world seemed so incredibly big and scary I didn't even want to step outside. I didn't think I was suffering from PPD at all during that time, I just thought it is what all mom's go through during recovery. Not until I connected with other new mothers did I realize my story didn't seem to fit into average postpartum emotions, or sleep deprivation and the like. It took a good three months to really get out of the haze of anxiety, but connecting with moms and getting out to moms groups really helped me find peace, I was able to talk about my struggles and find joy in being a mother. And here I am, 14 months later, working through my postpartum experience and coming to terms with my month long struggle with PPD and the lasting effects of the anxiety, a PTSD of sorts.

So now this trauma has left me with some quirks, if you will. I obsess over safety, mostly things out of my control like car seat safety or random watch or toy batteries that my child will ingest and die (one main reason we don't have toys with batteries). If I hear about or witness tragedy, or potential tradegy I immediately internalize it, shaking my core, creating an anxiety so deep that I can hardly breathe and I can't let go of it, obsessing about it. Those of you with any left over trauma, you know the feeling of being triggered. I wrap my arms around Oliver, and inhale his lovely scent, and thank all that is good for him. But the Mama Bear role won't heal me for much longer, it is a protective shield that has worked for the time being. I have to kick this fragile glass orb, kick it to the curb, and talking about, opening up about to othera who might be where I am, or have been where I am is one step in healing. It is in telling our story - of sharing our truth that can be liberating.

Winter

2011-01-29T14:54:00.004-05:00

This jogging stroller is the cure for cabin fever and the recent massive amount of snow.
It is surprisingly easy to navigate in the snow and can plow through at least 6 or so inches of powder. If the thermometer is in the ~~30's~~ 20's we're on a walk! Not bad for a $20 craigslist find.

On Sleep

2011-01-27T20:40:00.005-05:00

This is every parents worse nightmare, no pun intended. The dreaded question, "Is your baby sleeping through the night?" Because as parents, sleep no matter how "well" your baby is doing it, is still shitty. Thing number two to never say to a parent of a young child, "Oh, I had the WORST night sleep last night". No, not possible. I, in fact, had the worst night sleep, and not just me, but also Ron and Ollie and probably the cat and our unfortunate upstairs neighbors.
It is hard to imagine that this adorably cute sleeping baby was a wretched screaming monster the night before. Waking up at midnight and screaming on and off for three hours. Finally one of us had enough groggy sense to realize that Oliver had two areas of bulging gums, ripe with fresh baby teeth. Poor baby (and parents). We gave him some teething gel and cuddled into bed together, getting 2.5 hours of sleep until we had to wake up. Sheesh.
This whole episode is on the tail end of transitioning (successfully!) Oliver into a crib. Yep, this Mama had enough of waking up every hour for a month. It was time, we were exhausted, Oliver was a wreck during the day. I cried, had a minor identity crisis, (will I still be a co-sleeping mama?), but in the end it went really well and only took about one week and no crying it out. Six consecutive hours of sleep never felt so damn good!

What I find unsettling about self-help sleep books, and we did use one as a reference (but more importantly also got amazing help from a local Doula). I thought, overall, as I do for most self help books, is that they are a bit condescending and self-adsorbed. Kim West did keep this tone to a minimum, although I still got triggered quite a bit while reading. Particularly the fact that she refers to breaking "bad" habits, like for instance nursing your baby to sleep and sleeping with your baby. Leaving the reader feeling quite guilty and shameful. So, I'd like to ask Kim West, the Sleep Lady, to please consider rephrasing this. Something more along the lines of breaking old habits or routines that are no longer working for you. Because frankly, if you think about it, nursing your baby to sleep is not bad. There are far worse things than cuddling and soothing your baby to sleep. In fact, nursing to sleep works for some people for quite a long time, many of these people I know and greatly respect as Mamas. It was just no longer working for us, we needed a change, I think we all did.

In the end, when reading self-help sleep books, I want to be reassured that what I had been doing in the past is not going to permanently damage my child, which of course it isn't. Suggesting otherwise can make an already delicate, sleep deprived Mama feel that much worse. And not to mention, it simply isn't true. Yes, nursing to sleep makes night time weening difficult. It does make the transition to a crib or separate bed a little more harrowing. In the end, was I hurting my child? Is he worse off because he was nursed to sleep for a year of his life? Absolutely not. In fact, I enjoyed our time co-sleeping and nursing a large majority of that time, and I am fairly certain that Oliver was feeling content about it too. This kind of reassurance can easily be incorporated into Ms. West's book, and for that matter any type of self help book. You don't have to go for the hard sell on your methods or theories, we already have the book in hand. However, being realistic about making changes and reassuring your already vulnerable readers that where they're at isn't the end of the world. That sentiment would sit well with me.

I've Come Under Fire

2011-01-06T11:53:00.003-05:00

I shared my birth story over at Mama Birth, and I want to thank her for hosting a place where women can openly share their stories. We need more open and honest truth about birth. In sharing this story there was some backlash, which got even more heated over on facebook. My first instict was to go into hiding, to silence myself, to feel shame and embarrassment. Then I remembered, women have been pushed in to silence for so long, especially surrounding birth. So, I'm here to share my thoughts on the debacle, and to keep honest and open dialogue surrounding birth alive and well.

What I find surprising is that women, my fellow home birthing sisters and midwives, unfortunately used the same condemning tone and quick and harsh criticisms that home birth critics, both professional and lay people, use. As a trained mediator and social justice intergroup dialogue facilitator, I know that disagreement is a huge part of coming to some sort of common ground, of sharing your story, your ideas and your beliefs and turning these disagreements into something positive. But disagreements have to be done so in ways that do not close doors, but open them and keep our conversations about giving birth progressive, and not public shaming, criticism, and silencing.

I'm not going to defend the way I gave birth to my son, it has gone beyond that. But I want to highlight how those of us who do things that are out of the ordinary, that shock and might scare some folks often take the heat. My experience should not not open the door for hate and condemnation, but for others to listen, to read, to respect and to learn from it, if you agree with me or not. Not to play the "what if" game, or the "how could you be so irresponsible" game. That isn't helpful, rather it is divisive in the fight for women to give birth on their own terms and the movement away from institutional and medical hegemony. Please, let this be a lesson, don't take my voice away and the voices of other women whose experiences you might not agree with.

In peace an solidarity,
Jessica

A Year in Photos

2010-12-17T22:44:00.022-05:00

December 20, 2009

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December...

...pitiful December

Feeling Inspired

2010-12-10T22:28:00.002-05:00

I had been feeling a little blah the past few weeks. I've slowly started up job searching for full time work and I wasn't really feeling all that enthusiastic about it. This time it's a little different. Previously I was not ready to be away from Oliver, but recently I have been overly concerned (read: worried) that what I do for 40 hours a week feels authentic and true to me. So, not only do I need a job that provides heath insurance and a decent salary, but I want to feel rewarded too. If you asked me earlier in the week I would had said this was nearly impossible, it wasn't going to happen and I would be destined to be miserable in my career forever. But now, it feels possible. I am hopeful.
This rejuvenation has come from the non-profit work I have been doing for a local organization MotherWoman. I was at a board meeting and it just felt wonderful. Great women - doing amazing work, which is not always easy, and having fun doing it. I know it might sound funny; a board meeting that rejuvenated my spirit, that helped me turn my negativity around and feel connected to others?! This just speaks to how great MotherWoman really is. It also reminded me that I can be satisfied in my professional life, and that maybe instead of finding the "perfect" job, I need to change my mindset and find satisfaction in all that I do. And if I have trouble finding this blanket satisfaction, then I always have MotherWoman to help me get back on the right path.

A Contribution to the Positive

2010-11-28T19:16:00.005-05:00

This is a "How I'm Feeling" Type Post

2010-11-28T18:56:00.002-05:00

Lately I seem to be surrounded by lots of negative sentiments, either self-indulgent blather, truly heartbreaking, or just plain whining. The interesting thing about social internet connections, blogging, twitter, facebook and the like, is that we now have a much larger connection with people. Some we know well and see often, some we used to know and don't see, and other we don't know at all. When I first started blogging and facebooking, I thought it was a terrific way to connect with new people and stay in touch with others. Suddenly, a lot of what I'm reading has been weighing on me. It seems like everywhere I turn people are complaining about how little they have, or how much Monday's suck at the job they can't stand, or how one's life is in shambles for one reason or another. I am just tired of reading about other peoples self pity, and I'll admit, I have contributed to it too, but just now I realize how silly (and entirely American) it is to constantly complain about how bad life is and to ask people you hardly know (or never see) to take pity on you. It just all seems so darned privileged, and honestly quite boring. So unless you have some good news, or something truly funny to share I won't indulge you.

2010-11-11T21:18:00.003-05:00

I have lots of stuff swimming around in this head of mine. Diapering, working, sleep, blogging, reading, parenting, feminism, money, job, overall satisfaction and enjoyment of life.
I could write a single blog post about each one and probably link it to larger social issues, that is just how my mind works. But, for the time being, I am going to give my sleep deprived brain a rest, curl up with a book I'm into and just chill out. But, I wanted to let my blogging community know that there is a lot going on in the head of mine and one day I'll write a killer blog post about it. But for now, I just need some down time.
Scratch that I'm going to put Ollie back to sleep.

Over Night Pee Pee Delimma

2010-11-09T20:45:00.004-05:00

I'm looking for some good old fashioned mama to mama advice. Oliver is a super overnight wetter. Anybody have good cloth diaper suggestions for overnight. We don't have any leaks, but we've had to change him twice a night over the past week because he doesn't like feeling wet (and I don't blame him, he is SOAKED).

Our method now is two prefold diapers with a cover (Thirsties) or a prefold with two micro terry or hemp inserts ( three cheers to Thirsties, because they keep all leaks out!) We know that Fuzzi Bunz don't work to keep out leaks for us or pocket diapers in general because he wets through the sides near his hips (this kid seriously wets). Our issue is keeping the pee in, while having Oliver feel somewhat dry. Is this even possible? I'm okay with one diaper change a night, but two is pushing my night time craziness to the limit. Any thoughts/experiences on wool longies or wool covers?

Transitioning

2010-11-08T20:21:00.006-05:00

I have a job. I work outside of the house now for 12 hours a week at a local non profit organization. Some days I can bring Oliver, which is great, but I want to keep it to at least once a week for just a few hours that he is with me. I have to admit, I like the time away.

Today was a whirlwind morning; up early (stupid time change), cranky, dreary, running around doing what feels like a million things, yet get nothing done type morning. I knew I was leaving a tired, cranky baby with my mother in law, but I was happy to go and sit on a bus for a half and hour and mindlessly knit with out having to keep one eye out for anyone. About half way though the day I suddenly felt so sad and missed Ollie so much. I found myself rushing to get home and see my little guy, who I had a feeling was holding it together to see me too. This week is going to be difficult, Oliver is going to be away from me for three days, the most he's been away from me ever. This shift is good for both of us, but I have a feeling the transition is going to be a little rocky.

{This Moment}

2010-11-05T22:24:00.000-04:00

A Friday ritual started by SouleMama. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

2010-11-01T21:29:00.002-04:00

Today I did a plethora of amazing things.
I read about ten pages of my book, completely uninterrupted.
I road a bus, alone, where I was able to read said book uninterrupted*
I went to work, a temporary part time position, for the first time in 10 months. It went perfectly.
I knit and watched two WHOLE episodes of Bones on DVD.
I am sitting here posting a blog.
I find it fascinating all of the things I used to take for granted before I had a baby. Now I find myself daydreaming about having the house to myself, or better yet my BED to myself for 8 uninterrupted hours of sleep when I used to fantasize the perfect beach house and extended vacation time.

*the last time I took a bus was in May 2009 when I had a tiny little Ollie embryo riding along with me.

{this moment}

2010-10-29T21:31:00.003-04:00

A Friday ritual started by SouleMama. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Have a wonderful Halloween weekend.

The Slutty Apple

2010-10-25T19:34:00.006-04:00

Halloween. For the first time in a long, long time I will be dressing up. We have a party to go to as well as dressing up Ollie for the big day. We're excited to be able to share this fun time as a family.

As excited as I am, I'm also annoyed, and frankly tired. Like shake your head and sigh kind of tired. Of what you say? The slutty fill-in-the-blank costume that runs rampant during Halloween.

Listen, I'm no prude, by any means. To be honest, I'm really comfortable with my sexuality and my body. But this post has very little to do about me, and lots to do with the overall perpetuation of womens sexuality/representation/ plain old bullshit stereotypes that we seem to constantly be swimming up stream against. I can't tell you how many times I've heard women say/suggest/or participate in the slutty fill-in-the-blank costume. I mean I've heard them all, slutty nurse, slutty witch, slutty maid. At this point, I'm not surprised I haven't seen a slutty apple, or slutty coat hanger. I am happy to say I've never participated any type of costume like this, and yes, I am perfect.

Not only is this idea upholding the madonna/whore dichotomy and rampant hyper/repressed sexuality, where in your every day life you are plain Jane, but wait! on Halloween you have the excuse to dress as crazy slutty as possible. YAWN! But it is also just so, so tired, and really the easy way out as far as creativity goes. This also goes to show how our culture places women's accessibility to sexuality/sexual identity into a box the size of a black bean. We're only here to show off our tits and ass to men who will ooogle us. Double YAWN! Not only am I tired of this ritual, but I'm just looking for a little more creativity from my sisters. Disagree with me if you must, but if you're dressed in a slutty fill-in-the-blank costume I might just laugh in your face.

Motherhood: Month 10!!!

2010-10-18T21:21:00.003-04:00

A lot has happened in one month. Lots of firsts: first teeth, first time crawling, first runny/stuffy nose, first wedding, and first real separation anxiety. It feels like I have this new baby - I see flashes of what life will be like when I have a toddler. Right now Oliver wants so badly to be on the move, yet at the same time he wants to also be in my arms. Needless to say he is one squirmy little bugger and one Mama with very strong biceps.

Crawling started a week ago, he still can't crawl on the hardwood floors, so he scoots/slides around off of the area rug. He'd rather be holding your hands and "walking" like in the photo above. He is such a strong little guy, as soon as he gets balance he's going to be off and running. Which leads me to also note how high impact he is. He loves slapping the floor, the table, my chest. This also transfers to hitting the cat and other babies. I keep telling him, "Don't be the hitter, Ollie, be the lover, not the hitter" I don't think he is listening. Just the other day, we were hanging out with our friends whose daughter is 6 months old, he kept whacking her over and over, she was very calm about the whole thing. Then, she wacked him back; he cried. Kid can dish it out but he can't take it. We have some important life lessons ahead of us.

Even though he is high impact aka "the kid who hits", he also carefully and intently studies the objects he plays with, flipping them over and over again in his hands. His new favorite "toy" is business cards - LOVES them, and sturdy enough to withstand the slobber. He will flip them around, crinkle them up, and then put them in his mouth. I am surprised at how this has changed, while he still immediately puts lots of things in his mouth, lately he's taken to actually playing with them first. I'm looking forward to all the new tricks and challenges over these next few months. But in the meantime, send us your card, Oliver will be sure it goes to good use.

Sometimes I Forget

2010-09-23T19:05:00.005-04:00

Sometimes I forget, when thinking about Oliver's birth, postpartum period, and nursing, how very delicate the situation was. I always talk about how recovery was difficult and that the days after he was born Ron and I refer to as the darkest days of our lives. It was the darkest, hardest and most challenging time. I didn't suffer from PPD, as a matter of fact, I was thrilled to have my baby earth side and couldn't get enough of him, I was happy. I was just worn out, torn up, and worried about this teeny baby I gave birth to five weeks early. Honestly, because I didn't have a baby before I had nothing to compare it to, I didn't know that my experience was anything outside of the "normal" or "average" experience (I know I it is hard to generalize). What I found is when I told my story to other new moms they seemed to have very different recovery and postpartum experiences (for the most part). For a while I thought my experience was average, run of the mill postpartum. After hearing from other women who said it was easy (relatively), I was surprised that mine was so difficult. This probably speaks to the support and positive birth that I did have, it seemed to have softened the hard work that we were faced with in the coming weeks. It seems that the farther I move away from our postpartum period I forget how delicate it was and how close we came to a very different newborn experience. I have to remind myself. On the other hand, whenever I read or hear a birth story where the infant was pre-term and in the NICU, it scares me back to reality. In a hospital that would have been us, I am sure of it.

A Year in Seasons

2010-09-20T22:00:00.003-04:00

Today is September 20. Nine whole months ago Oliver was born. Nine months! On Thursday he will be witness to his fourth season, fall. On the last day of fall, the eve of the winter solstice, he'll turn one, and then we'll embark on one more year. Four more seasons of life.

One of the most beautiful things about having a child is that we observe them grow and experience life. Seeing Oliver change over the past few months makes me nostalgic most of the time, but lately I am excited about life with Oliver when he is older, I think about toddler hood, and adolescence and even Oliver as a brooding teen (maybe he won't be). I know all of these stages will bring with it their own challenges, but also a whole bunch of new and exciting experiences. That alone is one of the best gifts on earth.

What Happening Around These Parts and I'm Officially a Quitter

2010-09-09T21:41:00.008-04:00

Oliver is at the beginning stages of crawling. Last week I put him down on his tummy and all of a sudden, pop, up he went onto his hands and knees and rocked back and forth. Around the same time he started this cute little bopping while sitting, it is really so cute I could die (see it in the video below). Now he can semi-crawl, but just backwards, and it is more like a slide than really crawling, but hey it's all a work in progress. He's also teething I think for sure this time. We don't feel any bumps on his gums, but boy oh boy is he a miserable little stinker. He spiked a low grade fever two days ago and is drooling like mad. Literally the day before this all happened I mentioned how little he had been drooling, then the very next day bam! Drool machine. With infants things change just like that.

Untitled from Jessica Montalino on Vimeo.

As far as the spending freeze. Eh, I am a quitter. I told my friend Kelly the other day that it was over and she was shocked, mouth agape shock. She never thought of me as a quitter, and I am usually not, but this just goes to show how consuming and purchasing things is ingrained in me. I don't know what sparked it, the going out to dinner, or the upcoming wedding I am attending. Whatever it was I spent money, on stuff. Shoes, a pattern, fabric, shirts for Oliver, a closet shelf, and a new fancy sling (which I got for 50% off). The sad thing is: It. Felt. So. Damn. Good. buying all that crap. Now it feels a little sad. I quit. I didn't even last one month before I got the itch. Maybe I'll try again, but for now I am officially, plain and simple, a quitter.

People Strangers Touching My Baby

2010-09-03T11:46:00.007-04:00

We carry Oliver in various baby wearing devises both around the house and out and about. This is not a post about the joys of carrying Ollie, and how much we love it and how much he loves it, rather it is about the fucked up stuff people say and do while we are carrying him.
Yesterday Oliver and I were out. I usually put him in the ergo (on the back) in the parking lot, sort of over the seat of the car. It looks a little hairy when we are observing this maneuver from the outside, but really I have it down pat by myself and actually with help it seems almost more difficult. I had waited to get him in the ergo until we got into the store yesterday because it was so darned hot. While hoisting him on my back I saw an older woman quickly move behind me and then I felt her touching Oliver. I got flustered and ended up taking him down and back to holding him, while snapping, "He is FINE!" She just looked horrified. At me or at the whole situation I don't know, but I do know that I was pissed off that she touched my baby without first my consent, or simply asking if I needed help.

So here I struggle with the fine line of helping and crossing the line. I love whole idea of the "village" motto, and complain when people don't seem to give a shit about mom's needs, or the work that we do all day, ever day (stay at home or not) and how we live in isolation. Most days I love when people engage in conversation about or with Oliver, and coo at him, and yes touch him. I love old ladies pinching his cheeks and talking about how cute his chubby thighs are, many ask first and others I just don't care if it is done so respectfully. This felt intrusive and less so about helping and more so about the urgency of "saving" my baby from potentially falling, all because she probably never sees anyone wearing their baby.

I wish there was a way to make this better, to erase this blurry line of helping, hindering, or just being a straight out asshole. It just seems like we are so disconnected from each other in every day life that when it comes time to actually have interactions they are fraught with judgment, arrogance, and ignorance. This is all because we don't know each other, we don't live or shop, or eat, or play or hang out, or raise our children in a close community (one where this woman would know and understand what exactly I was doing and that it is safe). Rather we orbit around each other in a cloud of misunderstanding and somehow, somehow being a parent to an infant shoots you right up to the top of the "intervention" list.

Spending Freeze Challenge: An Update

2010-08-31T21:29:00.004-04:00

While I nurse Oliver to sleep I usually compose blog posts in my head and now that I actually sit down to write them I can't for the life of me recall what I wanted to write. So I'll just highlight a few things we've been doing and talk about the spending freeze a little more.

Food Woes:
Oliver recovered from his avocado debacle, Mama and Dada not so much. We decided to halt solid food for a while longer. The benefits just didn't seem to outweigh the downfalls. He is fine with nursing, which we do anytime he wants/needs to and clearly he is thriving so no need to add anything to his diet. It just seemed to make him constipated, miserable, and throw up, and to be honest preparing food was kind of a pain. So we'll wait until 1 or until he gets some teeth, or we feel that all of us are entirely ready. Will these mixed messages of his early relationship with food fuck him up for life, I am hoping not, but I am a little worried about it. I really don't want to make this food thing a big deal and totally stigmatize it for him. So far Ron and I have just gone on with our life as usual with Oliver sitting with us while playing in his high chair, to be honest when we were feeding him Ron and I were both balls of crazy nervous energy so I think for now it is keeping him away from this energy, which is better. As for avocado, at the end of this month we're going to the doctors, we'll talk about food intolerance with him. I don't think it is an allergy so when he is a little older we'll try it again to see how it goes.

Spending Freeze:

We went out to dinner the other night, technically a breach of the spending freeze contract. I can sit here and type a whole bunch of things to justify why we went out. Yes, we were really tired and didn't want to cook. Yes, it was a Friday evening and we just felt like going out for a change and a treat. But really, it was just a plain old breach of my own made up rules. So, by my own standars, I feel okay about it.

What I have realized while doing this spending freeze is how little we do spend in general. We do go on occasional spending splurges, but never anything huge. This is not to say we don't but a whole bunch of crap we don't need, but really we are fairly good about spending too much money. A lot of the reason we are good about spending too much is because we are on one income right now. I haven't "worked" (I have it in quotation marks because before getting pregnant I was on a graduate student TA salary, and we all know they are piddly) in over a year, and since then we basically halted any and all frivolous purchaches, things we knew we could either live without, buy used, or get for free. We halted going out to eat (our favorite was breakfast on Saturday mornings) So, technically we've been on a spending freeze for quite some time. It was nice to be reminded, by forcing myself, to not spend anything extra. I think from now on I am going to practice this first before spending any more. Even though I have a list made up of what I need/want to buy after the spending freeze. Not much, but a few things for me and Oliver.

Spending Freeze Challenge: Day.... Whatever!

2010-08-25T21:44:00.005-04:00

Not spending money was very easy today. Not one dime, truly, not one dime. No oil change sneak in because I was 1,000 miles over, no acupuncture treatment (btw, counts as medical, totally). All I did was go to a meeting in the morning (Ollie stayed with my MIL), visit the library, and then hang out with a sick baby. Yup, you heard right the above happy baby, not so happy today. I got home, made lunch, fed Ollie some avocado and put him down for a nap. He woke up at 3:30 having barfed all over the place, ugh! Luckily, Ron was home so we briskly changed the baby, bathed him, changed the sheets, and did laundry somehow in about 10 minutes. Oliver continued to puke each time I nursed him and I mean all of the milk I fed him came right back up. He was a pitiful, limp, snuggly little lump of baby who I quickly wrapped up in our sling and snuggled the crap out of.

Ron and I were both internally hysterical, all I could think was roto virus and dehydration and apparently Ron too. Call number one to my sister, she talked us down. Call number two, after two more puking sessions was to the doctors. They also talked us down and said to let his belly rest for an hour or so before nursing again. It was about 6pm, we were exhausted. In that time Ollie seemed to have perked up again so I took the time to try and go out and get some infant Tylenol in case he developed a fever in the middle of the night. I get into the car, nothing starts! You have got to be kidding me! (Luckily it was just the battery) Somehow, Ron and I are still standing here tonight and in good spirits with baby sleeping. Oliver turned around for the better and nursed and went to sleep. My gut instinct is that he can't eat avocado. Last week he threw up after eating them and he hasn't had them again until today. Ugh, the mother guilt is heavily weighing upon me today for feeding my baby and making him sick. Let's hope the night remains put together.

On Being Away From Your Baby

2010-08-24T21:40:00.006-04:00

I was away from Oliver today for about 3 hours.
Things I accomplished:
- Oil Change
- Stopped at the bank (and actually went inside, not through the drive in)
- Acupuncture appointment
- Short trip to the grocery store

After listing my accomplishements with my sister she exclaimed, "Man that is like a whole weeks worth of errands" I felt proud and totally understood (after all she has two kids). While doing the errands I felt like a superhero, well sort of. A superhero who was missing her side kick.

It is a fascinating thing being without your baby, even for just a little while. I find it a mix of pleasure, anxiety, and strange absence, like I am missing a limb (or finger). Realistically, I daydream about my life before Oliver and trips to the beach alone, reading in a quiet corner of a coffee shop alone, even just walking down the street alone being totally invisible (because you know you can't go out for one second with a cute baby and not have someone oogle over said baby). But when I have time alone all I feel is weird. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate it, but it seems like something is amiss. To be honest I get a little anxious, not because I am worried about Oliver, I know he is totally fine. I am anxious because I am unsure how carry myself or how exactly I fit into where ever I am.

In so many ways my identity is totally consumed by being a mother that when I have an opportunity carry on as just Jessica it freaks me out a little. I am rusty at simply being myself and not Oliver's Mama. It could be that I don't have much time away from Oliver alone, and for the most part I don't want to. But man oh man I just wish the adjustment of being alone was a little less awkward. Not to mention the meeting I have tomorrow I actually have to be articulate and charming and not squirrelly and uncomfortable.

Spending Freeze: Day 6

2010-08-23T22:21:00.003-04:00

The past few days have been pretty easy. Life has just sort of rolled along and I'm beginning to think about buying things less. When I want something now I think about the freecycle post I should put up and by the time I get around to doing it the urge has either left, or it is something that I think I would really make use of and go ahead and post it. If I get a response great, if not I'll just go on living without said item and most likely be perfectly happy.

On a realistic note Ollie is growing like a scary little weed. He is in 12 or 18 month clothes (also due in part to the bulky cloth diapers). My mother in law measured him the other day at 29.5 inches (95 percentile). So needless to say we are in need of some cold weather clothes for little guy. I am sure I will scrounge around and dig up some hand me downs or freecycle goods, but man oh man I really would like a pair of these for little Oliver.

I do have to admit I did buy some food I didn't really need while shopping on Friday night (yeah, while I used to go out to bars and go crazy, now I grocery shop). Like chocolate chips and sushi (shouldn't shop hungry). But technically it is within the parameters of the guidelines so I am okay, but I thought it was worth a mention.

thanks for reading

Spending Freeze Challenge: Day Four

2010-08-21T15:07:00.004-04:00

Ron and I were innocently driving down the main route of our city. We saw an Estate Sale sign, so we pulled over and checked it out. We poked around for a while, Ron searches for his likes and I do mine. I always check out the clothing pile or rack. This time I found a cute skirt, a light blue cotton skirt with embroidery along the edge. I showed it to Ron, he agreed, very cute. I held it in my hands for quite some time, totally forgetting about the freeze. Then it hit me. For a fleeting moment I tried to reason with myself that it was probably only going to be like 50 cents, but then I came to my senses and knew it was defiantly not within the limits. I quickly chucked the skirt back down on the pile and walked away, shaking my head and said, "d@*m spending freeze!!" Ron, remembering himself, supportedly chuckled and said, "oh yeah!" I have to admit it was a little funny.

Spending Freeze Challenge Saved: 50 cents (1 dollar at the most)

Spending Freeze Challenge: Day Three

2010-08-19T17:15:00.004-04:00

I am literally having dreams about buying things. So weird. If I think hard enough about them I can't recall much details, but I know I was totally doing everyday benign things like exchanging money at a cash register and/or shopping. I'm not sure how to interpret this.

The first part of the day was fairly easy as far as not wanting to buy stuff. I had my mother in law here to help me with Ollie while I applied to some jobs and sorted through Ollie's clothes he has outgrown. ("I can't believe he was ever that little" is what I kept repeating to myself over and over). It is when we decided to go for a walk into town, where a very cute scarf was on sale for $6, I would totally have bought it hands down without one second thought. Instead, I just silently stared at it and cursed myself for doing such as stupid challenge.

Spending Freeze Savings: $6
Spending Freeze Addendum: No more frozen yogurt. Getting it as a treat totally feels like cheating. Not to mention a) it is $9 for two medium yogurts at GoBerry! and b) Ron mocked me and also called it cheating and said I was not on any spending freeze. So now he'll just have to listen to me whine whenever I have the urge for a frozen treat.

I have been noticing lately how often I think about buying something. Some useless item or another will pop into my head and I'll think, "I need to get that". This happens frequently throughout the day. It is shocking how deeply ingrained consuming is, to a point where I have a complete and sudden urge to go out and buy something and it seems to be an uncontrollable need. Instead of thinking about how resourceful I can be and/or that I can totally live without said item all I can think about it how and when I should get it. In reality, I am perfectly fine today for not having gone out and bought said item (to tell you truth I can hardly even recall what items I felt I needed).

Thanks for reading. More updates tomorrow.

Spending Freeze Challenge: Day Two

2010-08-18T21:05:00.003-04:00

The beach was great. Ollie was great. Driving alone with an 8 month old sucks and I bent the rules today, like I said I would.

Spending:
Burger with cheese and friend onions $3.25 (it was very good)

I am back on the wagon again tomorrow. Stay tuned.

Spending Freeze Challenge: Day One

2010-08-17T21:53:00.003-04:00

Spending Freeze challenge day one went something like this:

Long walk in new to us jogging stroller to the grocery store. Bought milk, tofu, bread and toilet paper (technically not on the list, but I'm not going without TP for a month).
Ollie napped in new stroller while mama ate lunch and took a shower.
We went to mom's group then the farmers market. I bought shiitake mushrooms and beef for stewing.
Home for afternoon nap and dinner preparation. (ps. the mushrooms were amazing! the beef is going to be frozen until we have proper stewing weather)

I have to admit that I get great pleasure in shopping at the farmers market, so in a way I am still filling some sort of void in consuming goods I guess. I need to do some more thinking about what exactly my goals are for this mission, is it saving money? Is it creating less waste? Is it exercising restraint? Is it curbing consumerism and unnecessary consumption? I think it is all of the above.

While I know I am not eliminating all waste possible a la No Impact Man I am cutting down by simply not purchasing as much as usual, cutting down on packaging and waste. I am saving money to an extent because I avoided about ten impulse buys today, including food buys. I was surprised at how much more I would have spent at both the grocery store and the little store at mom's group.* I noticed that I also avoided "poking" around, something that I do frequently which results in impulse buying. I simply went in and bought what was on the list, no more no less. There was a lot of restraint happening, but then again not really. It was all about the mind set, I almost wish I had been doing this for years, I would have a lot more money than I do now. I did however, almost break the rules - I usually buy a shaved ice at the farmers market and Ollie and I sit and hang out with the locals watching what ever music is playing. I just shopped today and went home, I felt a little sad about it. Next week we'll have to hang out just without the shaved ice.

Tomorrow poses to be a problem. I am driving down to Rhode Island to spend the day at the beach with my parents. I was thinking today of all the ways I could go around not buying take out food. I could simply make my lunch and dinner plus snacks and take it with me, a much healthier option anyway. I could bend the rules and have my parents pay for some take out, or just break the rules and buy take out food, but spend no more money than the cash in my wallet (which is $4 and some change). I'll be honest and say that I will bring some food from home, but I will indulge in some take out food along the way. I'll report back in a day or so.

Thanks for reading!

*If I didn't have an almost 8 month old here is where I would say that I will log all the things that I thought of impulse buying and add that money up. My type A personality wants to say I will do this, but the reality of motherhood is telling me no way will it get done.

Spending Freeze Challenge: The Eve of the Freeze

2010-08-16T21:49:00.005-04:00

Today I spent my last dollars on "things" in preparation for the spending freeze. What I bought:

- one mop head $6
- one scrub brush $2
- an ice pack for lunches $1
- used jogging stroller $25

To offset this I walked to the store (about one mile away) to get the cleaning supplies and ice pack and I felt like taking a walk with Ollie this morning anyhow. But this made me realize, now that I live in a city which is very walking friendly I should in fact walk more. So, my new deal is - for this month and hopefully beyond, that if something is in reasonable walking distance from my home I will walk there rather than drive. Both saving emissions and money spent on gas. Tomorrow morning we're walking to the grocery store with our new jogging stroller, sorry folks not ready to start running just yet.

What I have observed thus far about the urge to buy things and this challenge is that you can usually solve a problem for free without purchasing something new, just simply being a little bit handy. For example, Ron's belt broke, just the little strap that holds the "left over" belt part. My first instinct was to go out and buy a new one, this one is a little dingy. On second look I realized that this was an easy fix, and that the leather belt has a lot of life left in it. All I had to do was get some hearty thread and a sharp needle and sew through the existing holes - done! Ron's belt fixed. On the eve of Spending Freeze Challenge I saved us some dough, should I count it? Eh, what the heck I will.

Spending Freeze Saved total: $40
(that is the going rate of men's leather belts on Amazon, and what would normally be within our budget of spending on a belt).

More Freezing tomorrow!

Spending Freeze Challenge: The Beginning

2010-08-15T22:11:00.004-04:00

I've been reading a lot lately. Mostly about permaculture and urban farming and gardening. Along those same lines I've also been thinking about sustainability and waste. While we've been quite resourceful in many ways in the way we live, we still do create a lot of waste and spend a lot. Mostly, I feel gross when I buy something new all wrapped up in shiny packaging that I know I could have gotten for cheaper or free elsewhere, like Freecycle or Craigslist or asking friends and family. I often get impatient and don't want to wait so I go out and buy it. In the name of both saving some money (we are after all living on one income) and producing less waste and consumer frenzy, I am going to challenge myself to a spending freeze for one month, starting August 17th and ending September 16th. Here are my guidelines:

- I can buy food and frozen yogurt (hey man, mama needs a vice!), gas for the car, and medicine both Rx and over the counter
- paying the bills is a must
- no restaurants or take out
- no used items, clothing, or the like that I have to pay for
- no one can buy me anything and hold it for me until after the freeze, no matter how much I beg them or how good the deal is on craigslist, hear that Myssie and Ron, because you know I'd ask you.
-bartering is totally legitimate

I'll catalog all that I obtain free or barter and look at what I saved in comparison to purchasing new. I will try to blog daily throughout the month. Others are welcome to join in the challenge too or simply follow along on my journey!

Life in a Nutshell

2010-08-11T23:13:00.005-04:00

Life with a 7 month old is a terrific mix of chaos, anxiety, perfect bliss, completely serene, totally exhausted, and out of my mind in love. Being a parent challenges you in ways you could never imagine. You learn that you are capable of things you thought were previously unimaginable, like carrying three watermelons, three cantalopes, and a bag full of various summer produce all while a 20 pounder is strapped to your back, for example. Motherhood has also taught me how to really love myself for who I am and meet other people where they are at, without judgment. I find myself being so much more political and critical of the way we live as a society, yet completely uninterested in politics in the traditional sense. I could care less about TV or pop culture or fashion. To be honest I feel a little bit more liberated because of it. At the same time I get fleeting moments of panic, like "who the hell am I" identity crisis, or fear that something disastrous will inevitably happen to me or Ollie or Ron, and complete and utter panic that all I am doing as a mother is completely and utterly wrong. Then Oliver grounds me by beckoning and I go about life as it is.

10 Questions about Feminist Motherhood

2010-08-05T14:02:00.019-04:00

I love Blue Milk! I decided to answer some of her questions about feminism and motherhood. This has proven to be a great little intellectual exercise, one that I haven't had in quite a while. Enjoy.

How would you describe your feminism in one sentence? When did you become a feminist? Was it before or after you became a mother?

I definately don't believe in or want "equality" to men, as that upholds the patriarchal, sexist, racist, homophobic, and classist system (both globally and nationally in the US), I like to call that pop feminism (or liberal feminism), but I do believe that in order to be critical of the way in which women are subjected to particular oppression(s) I also have to take a look at race, class, and sexuality, and intersectional lens is important.
I technically began calling myself a feminist in college, but I can say that I was one for quite some time before that. In my youth I always challenged the status quo (while upholding it too, hey I wasn't perfect) and I can remember going out of my mind about blatant sexism (even if I didn't know the word), and being somewhat of a scrappy kid I always felt weird that adults who didn't really know or respect me treated me "different", which was the only word I could use to describe being gendered at that point.

What has surprised you most about motherhood?

The most surprising thing about motherhood is actually how content and whole I feel as a person. For the first time in my life I feel just fine about my role and how important it really is. I don't find myself feeling bad about what I am doing, or what I could be doing that is better/more productive/more progressive/more inspired. I spent a long time being self critical, and feeling just downright bad about my role in (fill in the blank) job, or school. Being a mama is one thing I am totally confident about. This is not to say that motherhood has been all sunshine and rainbows, I knew it was going to be difficult and tiring, that I was prepared for, but feeling whole and fulfilled, I was and still am surprised.

How has your feminism changed over time? What is the impact of motherhood on your feminism?

My feminism has changed in many ways and at various points in my life. My first exposure to feminism was technically radical feminism, like old school burn your bra, anti pornography, type. In college one professor in particular was staunchly radical feminist and to be honest, pretty narrow minded and classist and elitist, but god in my naive and short life I thought she was the most bad ass person I'd ever met! As I grew and had other life experiences I found that her mode of feminism didn't match my life or my story. I met other amazing feminists and activists and I realized that having one way to critique culture and society can actually be more damaging than progressive. I am now skeptical of any theory that doesn't leave room for self critique and growth.If you can't be flexible in your politics or have to live by a certain theoretical "code of conduct" then that politic is backwards, plain and simple.
What did change for me is seeing my situation through an intersectional lens, how I am marginalized by gender and class, but also now that I am a mother how that effects how others see me and how I see myself. But also as a white woman and how that provides me with a plethora of unearned privileges.

What makes your mothering feminist? How does your approach differ from a non-feminist mother’s? How does feminism impact upon your parenting?

One part of my feminist mothering is challenging the ways that children are gendered. Even though my son is only 7 months old, I think about the ways he is being gendered, by me and my husband, my family, and the larger culture. I think a lot about the language I use to describe him and how I talk to him. I know he will be raised as a boy and that is much different than being a girl, but I do want him to know that he has options outside of the masculine box that is so, so narrow. Often times I don't think non-feminist or even just mainstream parents think about how and why children become gendered. For some people the mere thought that boys and girls are not inherently different blows their mind! I can't tell you how often I have heard parents (I used to work in childcare) say, "I think boys just genetically LOVE trucks!" I didn't have the heart to break it to them that, in fact, ALL of the toddlers I was caring for at the time were infatuated with any and all construction equipment.

Do you ever feel compromised as a feminist mother? Do you ever feel you’ve failed as a feminist mother?

I feel the push and pull of being Oliver's primary caregiver most of the day and slipping into me as mama doing all of the care-giving, nurturing, and comforting all of the live long day. I know he needs me because he is still an infant, but I wonder how this effects Ron's attachment and bond to Ollie and my sanity! At this point Ollie is slowly letting Ron console him at bed time (he sleeps with us, when I'm not in bed, he'll snuggle up to Ron), but I am still A #1 in his eyes so I feel a little bit of push and pull in this department. (see question about AP parenting below)

Has identifying as a feminist mother ever been difficult? Why?

No, I don't think so. I am fairly open about my politics and those who know me well know that I am not afraid to speak my mind. I am nervous, being on the job market, about being "exposed" as a feminist, or simply a mother at that.

Motherhood involves sacrifice, how do you reconcile that with being a feminist?

It depends on what kind of sacrifice you're talking about. I hated to hear while I was pregnant things like, "Well, you and Ron had you're fun..." like having a kid squashes all that is good and enjoyable in life. We just lead a different life now, that revolves around Ollie and primarily his sleep schedule, we're okay with that. I think that identifying as a feminist provides me with the flexibility (and frankly positive identity formation) to know that life isn't and won't be the same, but to enjoy it for what it is now, in the moment. It also helps to have amazing non-kid friends who don't mind hanging out at our house and eating dinner early.

If you have a partner, how does your partner feel about your feminist motherhood? What is the impact of your feminism on your partner?

It took Ron and I some time to get on the same page about gender roles and feminism and what exactly it meant to me and how it has shaped my identity. We had lots of open and honest conversations about feminism early in our relationship. I think our open and honest policy we have with each other helped when we found out we were going to be parents and talked about the ways we want Ollie to be raised, especially because he is a white male. I do think that Ron is as pro-feminist guy as you can get.

If you’re an attachment parenting mother, what challenges if any does this pose for your feminism and how have you resolved them?

I do practice AP type things, like exclusively nursing, co-sleeping, baby wearing, (does home birth count too?), but I wouldn't soley identify as an AP parent. In some ways I think staunch AP theory often marches in the opposite direction of feminism. Others argue that it is radical parenting/mothering to practice AP. I argue that the system in the US isn't set up for mothers to be completely successful in practicing Attachment Parenting. If we had health care and paid family leave for a year or more, then I'd think it could be a viable option, but then again it leaves a lot of the nurturing and attachment solely on the mother's shoulders. I struggle with this piece. As mothers we need to have our space and (guilt free) time to ourselves, it is healing to our soul and exercises all of the other amazing and diverse pieces of our identity besides being a mama. I think strict AP styles do not leave room for this important piece or shroud it with a huge cloud of guilt and shame for time away from our children. Again, I find that any theory or practice doesn't leave room for critique or change than it is a little bogus.

Do you feel feminism has failed mothers and if so how? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers?

I think feminism has opened up doors for many mothers. But I do feel that liberal feminism, with equality to men as the core concept actually shuts doors - rather it doesn't challenge cultural ideologies of gender, race, sexuality or class, which in turn actually fails for mothers who aren't white or middle class.

2010-07-30T22:13:00.003-04:00

Oliver is a peach, he really is. Today is the first day we broke out the guitar, I don't know why it took so long. He LOVED it, the above photo is total infatuation, then dancing and shrieking. And who doesn't love a photo of a sleeping baby.

Food Simple

2010-07-29T09:44:00.004-04:00

Ron and I have been into making omelets lately. If Alice Water's cook book, The Art of Simple Food only taught us this skill, it was worth the purchase they are that good. Really though, this book is filled with amazing tips and recipes - straight from the lady who is famous for creating the local food revolution. (Barbara Kingsolver is still my hero though, sorry Alice). My obsession is good local food in general. I fantasize obsessively about becoming an urban farmer, about owning chickens and goats and having a huge and beautiful garden. I have dove head first into food and farm books; they are scattered all around my house (thank you inter-library loan). When I obsess I go full throttle. The cool thing is this is a totally realistic fantasy (okay maybe just the chickens and garden). This year, my short term realistic goal is to start a compost pile.

Ollie Update: Sleeping and Eating

2010-07-27T13:36:00.007-04:00

As you can see in the photos in the previous post. Mr. Oliver is one happy and vibrant baby. This is not to say that being with a 7 month old (!) all day is easy, he has his crabby moments too, come 6pm he is mostly an inconsolable wreck. Needless to say his new bedtime is 7pm.

As far as sleeping is going vacation did this baby good. When we were on the Cape two weeks ago he was so wiped out from swimming and playing with his cousins that he took two naps a day - mostly an hour or more each. He continued this when we got home for the most part. Luckily my lovely sister loaned us her pack and play and co sleeper because he is rolling and I am nervous about leaving him on the bed alone. The pack and play is in the living room, where he mostly naps and the co sleeper is in the bedroom with all four sides up like a little bassinet where he sleeps from about 7pm to 10 or 11pm when we go to bed, then he comes into bed with us. The transition to putting him down to sleep on his own took some time. I started putting him down each day at least once a day, he'd wake up 20 minutes later and I'd try again and again. Then I remembered our midwife telling me to put a towel or burp cloth under my armpit while nursing and lay it down next to him or under him while he slept. This seemed to ease the transition and I only do it now when he is having trouble transferring to the pack and play.

Most often Ollie naps in the morning and in the afternoon. He wakes up between 7am and 9am and then goes down for a nap 3 or so hours later, depending on how tired and cranky he is. I find that what works best for him is to stick somewhat to a routine, but also being flexible and watching for his cues on what he needs, if he is tired early then he sleeps. We still nurse to sleep and at night he sleeps in bed with us. He doesn't sleep on my chest any more - a few months ago he just stopped and didn't like it anymore. Sometimes he will if it is a bad night, but it won't last long, he'll roll off of me at some point. We have a sleep bolster when he is nursing on the outside, otherwise he sleeps right in between me and Ron and only smacks us a few times a night with his new-found nighttime rolling skills.

As far as eating table food we (as in me) are wavering between not wanting to feed him but also totally excited about feeding him and making our own baby food. Whenever I get around to doing it, I always manage to find something else to do. I am having a little trouble letting go. In reality, Oliver is doing just fine on breast milk alone (clearly, he is almost 20 pounds!) and I am with him all day so there really is no rush. We knew from the beginning that we weren't going to do any rice cereal or oatmeal, which tend to bind babies up and is not source of nutrients, but to get their guts used to food. If you wait until their guts are ready there really is no need to "prep" them. Then we got three forms of advice from three very respected sources that got us thinking:

First from our midwife: you don't have to feed them table food until they are 1. Around 4 months he might seem to show an interest in table food, just have him sit in a high chair and give him some toys to play with*
Ron's chiropractor: kids aren't ready to eat table food until they have teeth, this says their guts are ready for it
Ollie's doctor after I said I wasn't ready to feed him: you can choose to feed him yellow and oranges vegetables now or you can always wait to start when he is 1.

I also read a little bit about table food and new studies have shown links to feeding infants early (at 4 or 6 months) to childhood obesity. (AAP recommends 6 months, WHO recommends 6 -8 months). My gut (no pun intended) instinct is to say that yes, how you are fed in infancy effects how and what you eat and your relationship with food in childhood. This got me to thinking about food with Oliver. Sure he seems ready, but he has no teeth and is healthy on breast milk alone, so for now we're going to wait. Plus, I really don't want his poop to change.

*This is exactly what happened around 4 or 5 months. Ollie was very happy to be in the high chair with toys, but reaching for the food and forks etc, then when he happily grabbed a napkin and shoved it in his mouth I realized it was more about shoving anything in his mouth at that point and less about food. If anyone gave me gripe about feeding him at that point, I always responded, "He'd eat the napkin if you let him"

Bits of Our Day

2010-07-26T20:20:00.012-04:00

5 Things You Don't Need as a New Parent

2010-07-09T13:25:00.005-04:00

We tried to remain minimal with the "stuff" that we obtained for Oliver, and I feel we did a good job in doing so, especially because we live in a culture that promotes material items - in both "alternative" and "pop" parenting circles and media. Most of the items we have are/were hand-me-downs or bought second hand.

In our six months of parenting here is what I have found you DON'T need:

1. A crib, co-sleeper, or any other "sleeping" apparatus. Oliver sleeps in bed with us, period. We didn't get any crazy co-sleeping items he just sleeps in between us or on me, no fuss no muss. Most folks who have a co-sleeper tend to just let clothes pile up in them or the like anyway.

2. The crazy car seat to stroller gigantic system. (I am always shocked that such a little tiny baby can take up so much room, really, these are a total inconvenience and just plain ugly). We found that a simple umbrella stroller does the job (we got a Maclaren, but there are many quality ones out there), small, lightweight, reclines etc, etc. For the first 3 months or so Ollie was carried in a wrap or mei tai, when we were ready for a stroller this did the trick.

3. Lots of baby clothes. And from a Mama who had a heavy wetter and spit-r-upper, we made due with just the minimal hand-me-downs.

4. Lots of toys. We have one small basket of toys which include: two rattles, lots of baby links, some soft toys, one ball, stacking cups, a look book, small wooden blocks, and some roll arounds, oh yeah and a toy piano (he loves it!). We also have a play mat which Oliver has grown out of the hanging toys and we just use the mat part, this also is a hand-me-down. This makes my life feel much more manageable, I'm sure as he grows/develops we'll get more, but still stay minimal.

5. Bottles - the boob does the trick thank- you. Okay, okay, I know not all Mama's are at home and like myself, will venture into the work world at some point. So I will say you don't need many bottles, or crazy $200 breast pumps. Buy used, contrary to popular belief it is sanitary, you just get new tubes and "horns".

So for full disclosure: Things I have lots of:

Cloth diapers, I went crazy and bought about 60 prefolds. But hey we never run out and have lots for burp rags.

Baby carriers: And Ron will contest to us having WAY too many. We have a:
moby wrap
ring sling
mei tai
ergo

That is all my humble advice for the day. Thanks for reading!

Motherhood: Month 6

2010-06-28T23:38:00.002-04:00

Taking a quick look at this sweet little baby it is no wonder I have been lost in baby land. Oliver is six months old already, and what fun it is, I just wish he'd say this age for a while. A little bit independent and mobile (well sitting and clinging onto mama) but still totally dependent on me and stays put when he plays on the floor, perfection if you ask me. He really is a sweet and vibrant baby. He'll shoot anyone a huge smile and even a screech if you're lucky, and he will for sure drool all over you. I much prefer this to the newborn stage any day. I just can't believe how much and how quickly he has grown. Even just over the past few weeks he's become a different baby with a whole new set of skills. I know that crawling and walking will happen just a quickly.

We have also moved to a new apartment! A huge lovely, couldn't-ask-for-a-better-space, apartment. I feel like a real adult, having put away the futon and also have a full dining room, it is quite amazing really. The first day I literally just walked around and around (because you can go in a circle) shaking my head in shock and awe. I will post photos as soon as we get everything together. I will miss my rickety old farmhouse with an expansive yard; also because it is the house that Ollie was born in. But we're onto bigger and better things, so it all evens out.

Noho Pride 2010

2010-05-03T20:36:00.005-04:00

Ollie and his Papa.

Me, Ollie and his chosen family, Auntie Jess and Auntie Shannon.

Earth Day: Mama Vision

2010-04-18T13:51:00.008-04:00

My first and most fond memory of Earth Day was in 3rd grade. Now, I don't come from the most progressive, earth friendly of places. Rather a sprawling, pack in cookie cutter homes where ever they can because the builders run the town, kind of place. Despite that culture, my 3rd grade teacher decided to have us raise money to purchase a tree. This tree would be planted outside of the school. I remember that we were all looking forward to planting the tree and especially digging the hole. We each were given a turn to take one shovel full, we had our photo in the paper, I think even the mayor came. It is a nice memory and goes to show that involving children in hands on, intentional activities leave a lasting memory. I hope that Ollie's childhood can be filled with many, many memories like this one.

Now, onto current Earth Day. What does Mama Vision entail, well I'll tell you - it is all of the good for the earth things that we do, good for baby, good for mama, good for the earth (and often good on the wallet). First, I get great satisfaction that the baby isle in either a conventional grocery store or our local co-op is useless to us. We don't buy diapers or wipes, nor do we or will be buy baby food (we'll make our own from the produce from our local organic farm share). Most importantly, even said "earth friendly" disposable diapers don't biodegrade (with the exception of the g diaper). We haven't had Oliver in a disposable diaper in months and I think we've used about 20 in total*. We cloth diaper at night and on the go, with no fuss. We don't do it to be hip, we do it because it is the right thing to do (and it just so happens to be hip too).

We use the simple method of pre-fold unbleached Indian cotton diapers (Premium 4-8-4) with Thirties Diaper covers (enviro friendly made in USA company - whoot!). No leaks, only one poop blow out up the back, and cute, cute colors! These diapers were about $2 each, we bought 60 for good measure and also use them as burp cloths. We wash the diapers every other or every three days, and it is the easiest laundry we do, easy into the washer (no need to get your hands dirty, simply reverse the diaper pail liner and chuck that in too) and easy to fold and put away. We line dry when we can, plus the sun is the best natural whitener (and chemical free), getting out those pesky poop stains.

I have heard the argument that with water usage and electricity cloth diapers are just as bad for the environment as disposable. While it is not fossil fuel neutral (unless you have solar panels for electricity) I argue that it is in fact the best option. First, the diapers you have are the ones you reuse over and over again, they have only been made and shipped once. With disposable diapers (even "earth friendly" kind) they use petroleum to package, make, and deliver said diapers, each and every time you put a new one on baby (many, many times a day) and then they sit in a land fill. Ron and I were joking today that in a million years the only thing they'll find of our generation are diapers and nuclear waste. You never throw away a cloth diaper or cover. You often get years of use of them and when they are no longer usable as a diaper, they make great rags around the house, making cloth diapers a great recyclable option.

Second, our diapering system is chemical free. The diapers have not previously bleached, and we use bio-degradable, and chemical free detergent and never, never bleach them. We have a big and beautiful (okay, really it is rusty and old, but still big) clothes line where we hang them out to dry. When the sun is shining, the age old method of non chemical bleaching at its best, out come the stains with the power of the sun. And nothing smells as good as a garment dried on the line.

Third, we use cloth wipes. Not only do they clean better, but with an awesome solution made right down the street from us, they smell great and is good for Ollie's skin (and baby bits). They go right in the diaper pail and in the wash - I can't say enough about cloth wipes, they rock. And on the go, simply put them in a baggie (or wet bag) and go! Again, no chemicals, no throwing away.

Reality check: Two minor drawbacks: Ollie has a HUGE bum with cloth diapers - making clothes tight fitting (they are totally made with trim disposables in mind, many of our hand me down pants have lots of room in the seat - I think because cloth was more conventional then). We recently discovered onsie extenders (which could easily be made at home), which have been a lifesaver. We also do pack a bit more on the go because the diapers are bigger, but it is worth it to me and not really a huge annoyance. My advice to switching to cloth is to have a routine and stick with it, soon you won't even remember there is the option of disposables.

I leave you with another Earth Friendly practice with a link to a previous post from three years ago and a photo of Ollie for good measure. Alternative Menstrual Methods about cloth pads and menstual cups. The earth friendly period option!

*Ollie also is a heavy, heavy wetter. He is the only child I have met that literally pees through disposables, literally making a puddle on the floor (and my foot once). My friend Shannon can attest to that!

A Photo That Warms My Heart

2010-03-25T18:32:00.001-04:00

This is what I get to wake up to every morning, how lovely. I even captured the "I got your nose" thumb that Ollie loves to do with his hands.

Motherhood: Week 13: Sleeping.

2010-03-22T20:48:00.004-04:00

Things around here have been pretty great. Oliver has as much of a routine as a three month old can have. He stays up pretty late usually until midnight and we nurse two or three times throughout the night (with one diaper change thanks to the larger size cloth diapers) until 10:30 when we emerge mid morning. I just wish we could shift this a few hours back and life would be close to normal. I love waking up with Ollie, our night time nursing we do in the glider next to the bed, I find that he nurses longer and then sleeps at longer stretches (usually three or four hours) when we nurse sitting up and semi alert. In the morning to extend our bed time lounging I'll nurse side lying, we'll doze for a little while and then he'll wake up somewhat fed (ie not screaming). We usually lay around and coo at each other, and I just can't say how much I love this time with my baby. He smiles with his whole face, he eyes light up and I am just totally over the moon. Plus who doesn't like lying around in bed and cuddling, it is an extra bonus on the weekends when Ron is home and we can all cuddle together.

The downfall of night time routine is that he wakes up absolutely screaming with little to no warning - I call it the zero to sixty effect. This screaming persists until he nurses, when we change him he screams (less for Ron, more for me), the red face, semi choking scream that makes me feel like a bad mama, oh the horror! The second is that he still sleeps on my chest. I can usually put him down onto the bed in the morning, but during the night when I want/need good solid sleep he stays on my chest. Otherwise he'll squirm and flail his arms around, keeping me awake and sleeping only about two hours. I don't mind this arrangement and most nights I really like cuddling with him like this, but I know it is not ideal as he gets older and heavier. We'll work on getting him to sleep on the bed at some point, but for now I am enjoying somewhat regular sleep (I'd say every third or forth night we have a tough night for whatever reason). Let's hope this post doesn't jinx our night tonight!

Bottle Feeding Culture

2010-02-24T15:52:00.007-05:00

When I was pregnant I was asked the same two questions at almost every interaction with people (those whom I know and strangers out and about).
a) when are you due? - my response: Late January (but they always wanted a solid "due" date which I refused to give - if pressed I would say Jan 20 is the first day of my 40th week)
b) what are you having? or do you know the sex?

Both of these questions made me think about what is going on in birth culture on a larger, systemic level rather than what is up for the individual asking the questions. I blogged my feelings about these questions here.

Similarly, I have found that I get asked the same two questions over and over again about parenting an infant. And, again I go back to what is happening in the culture surrounding parenting.
The questions are:
a) how old is he? (harmless questions and I answer with a smile)
b) has he taken a bottle yet? or are you bottle feeding? or when will you start bottle feeding? (this questions usually follows are you breastfeeding, or how is he eating etc, etc)
ps - I was asked this by a nurse practitioner at my family practice yesterday, after I had just finished telling her about our breastfeeding story. I was a little put out.

This leads me to ask, what is this obsession with bottle feeding?
My personal reaction is at this point we have had such a difficult journey to get him to nurse on my nipple, I don't want to introduce him to the bottle which tends to cause nipple confusion and reverse all of the hard work we have done over the past two months. Also my experience pumping during the first week was not fun I found it to be a chore. Right now, if I don't have to pump and bottle feed I am not going to at all - when the time comes for me to go to work (hopefully by the fall and Ollie will be 6-8 months and probably use a cup at that point anyway) I will gladly do it, for now there is no need for me to be away from Ollie for more than 2-3 hours at a time and I am happy to be with him and exclusively nurse from the breast.

This bottle feeding obsession also leads me to ask, what is this saying about women's bodies and our trust in them to do the job "right"? With concern about babies getting enough milk and measuring ounce for ounce I believe that pumping and bottle feeding is promoted. When with the right (dare I say women centric) support you can tell if your baby is eating enough if they have wet diapers and are gaining weight. Like the medicalization of childbirth and trust that women can give birth without highly managed care - I think this birth culture trickles over onto breastfeeding in the sense that institutionally and medically there is little trust that our bodies will do the "right" thing - instead there is a focus and almost obsession with measurement, which directly undermines women's bodies ability to produce and the nursing "unit" the baby and mother form. I don't believe this is an overt and individual reaction (of specific doctors and nurses), rather a culturally instilled response to the way in which we care for and trust bodies and instincts, not just women's, but all people in general - we live in an entirely medicalized culture, with focus on quick fixes and medical interventions rather than holistic support.

I was lucky enough to have been given breastfeeding support that placed trust in my body and to be shown the difference between feeding nursing and comfort nursing. Even at our darkest days when we were so very concerned and focused on Ollie's weight gain and calorie intake I had trust in my body that it was producing what he needed. Even now I know he nurses when he is hungry and lets us know when he is done and full. While nursing, because I am aware of his cues I can tell when he is nursing for comfort or when is full. This has taken work, patience and support, but it is possible.

I am thrilled to know that, with the promotion of breastfeeding as best, many more women are breastfeeding their babies. However, I can't help but ask, with this bottle "culture" aren't we making it more difficult and undermining women to remain exclusively breastfeeding? Even before Ollie was born my health insurance provided a hand pump and WIC provided a handout on pumping and storing when I had my one week old strapped to my chest (what the what?!). If I constantly pumped, stored, thawed, and warmed a bottle, from day one or month one, two, or three I think I would get burnt out fast and quickly turn to formula. Isn't sitting down and lifting your shirt much easier? I find that all of this is sold under the guise of convenience for the mother, mixed with a touch of materialism. Finding the right pump, the best bottles, and the best way to store our milk, not to mention having these apparati promoted (and sold, or in my case given) to us from day one, of course it is easy to believe that we must pump and bottle feed our babies, that it will in fact be easier - we'll be free from the burden of constantly nursing (instead we'll both nurse and be strapped to an electric machine) and to, once again, not trust our bodies to feed our babies well.

Again, like all posts - I want to mention that I am not a purist by any means. I am happy to know that there are options for me to go back to work and still feed my baby breast milk. But I get concerned when these interventions spill over into the mandatory category and undermine the way in which our bodies naturally work, and make life difficult under the guise of convenience for mamas. I know that one day in the near future I'll the the mama who picks up her baby from childcare who was fed a bottle, but then I'll just lift my shirt and have a nice round of nursing - for comfort or nourishment (or both).

Motherhood: Week 7 and Our Breastfeeding Experience

2010-02-08T15:42:00.014-05:00

Welcome, Carnival of Breastfeeding readers! This month contributors talk about overcoming breastfeeding challenges. Check out others bloggers who are participating at the links below (more will be added throughout the day of 2/22) - and enjoy reading our breastfeeding story.

Life has been better around here. After one harrowing night of no sleeping and consistent crying he is sleeping at 4-5 hour intervals at night (well at least last night). Not being sleep deprived lately has allowed me to really enjoy this baby - he is awake around 1-2 hours during the day. He is interested in staring at toys and sitting propped upright, looking around. It is nice to see this once sleepy baby being attentive and playful. I can't wait for him to begin cooing and smiling at us - my sister got one coo out of him yesterday so I know it will happen soon.

I wanted to also talk a little about breastfeeding, because it has been quite a ride for us. Pre-term babies often have difficulty latching on and suckling as that is one of the things they work on in utero the last four weeks, Ollie missed out on that development. His first few days of life he didn't nurse with the exception of my sister nursing him for a short while. It was a vicious cycle of my nipple not being big enough to touch the roof of his mouth and him not suckling so that my nipple became big enough. Each time we tried to nurse he would just cry and flail around at the breast, it was heartbreaking. After the third day (it could have been second it was such a blur) he was down to 5 lb 11 oz and quite jaundice, we had to focus on getting this little guy some calories. Our midwife suggested pumping (we rented an electric pump from the hospital) and dropper feeding him each hour for a 24 hour period to get calories into him and "bulk" him up. It was a time of great mixed emotions. I cried and felt overwhelmed - on top of being extremely exhausted and recovering from birth I felt like I was not adequately providing for him, so the task just seemed next to impossible. Ron and I were both scared that he was just going to wither away. At the same time, I was confident that nursing would be successful - and that bottle feeding formula was going to be our last resort. I was lucky to have gotten this support and not made me feel bad that I was not supplementing formula. We called in the troops; my parents came over and a friend was around to help out. I pumped, we set an alarm for every two hours. Thank goodness for my mother who patiently coaxed little Ollie to take the droppers - some feedings took over an hour to get a half ounce into him. I slept and pumped - it was exhausting, but I knew that it was the best thing for this little guy of mine.
After this marathon day I began to use a nipple shield. Despite the negative stigma that nipple shields have and that it is contested if they are in fact beneficial, I am thankful that we had this available to us. Without it he wouldn't have been able to latch on for a whole month. Nursing was a whole production - make sure the room wasn't too hot - take off most of his clothes - wake him up - run your fingers down his spine - put cold hands on him - tap his feet, etc, etc. All this baby wanted to do was sleep and sucking was last on his agenda.
Over the next few weeks we had a La Leche League Leader come over. It was so comforting to have someone come in and say that I was doing okay and that using a nipple shield was not a failure, that in fact she had seen many women with pre term babies use it for about a month and then nurse successfully. Our midwives also had many success stories where babies nursed beautifully after a few weeks. I was skeptical but hopeful - and on bad nights/days I was down right pessimistic. Alas come late January around what should have been 40 weeks Ollie began latching on. The first few days we used the football hold and he latched on a few times. After about a day or two he was not using the shield at all. Then came the nipple pain! I watched some videos about proper latching on because I realized he was not latching on correctly and his suck was still not great, very shallow so my nipples were a wreck, blisters, cracked and bleeding. Something that no one tells you - that basically your nipples have to get used to nursing (stretching etc) the first few days (for me this was a month later), and on top of his poor latch it was awful! I cried and dreaded nursing it hurt so bad, one morning I really thought of giving up, the whole nursing journey had been so difficult, I was at my wits end and envied every mother who could nurse their baby without pain. After some sleep and nurturing from Ron I got some lanolin (Lansinoh) and visited a nursing clinic in my area and realized that what Ollie and I were doing was working and I just needed my nipples to heal and get him to take in more of my areola by sandwiching the tip of my nipple. They are still on the mend - and now 7 weeks later - nursing is working. I won't say flawlessly because I think that is impossible even for the best of nursing babies, but I have an 1o pound baby now so something has got to be going right.

Other Carnival Participant Blogs:

Hobo Mama: Supplemental feeding techniques for a breastfed baby
The Milk Mama: How I got my bottle-guzzling, breast-phobic baby to love nursing Breastfeeding 1-2-3: The Importance of a Babymoon
Whozat: A Rough Start
Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog: Asks Us
Maman A Droit: Clueless!
Melodie @ Breastfeeding Moms Unite!: I'll Be Brief: How To Overcome Breastfeeding Challenges
Living Peacefully with Children: When Nursing Takes Longer...

motherhood: week 6

2010-02-02T14:47:00.003-05:00

Rarely do people really talk about how challenging the newborn phase is. True you hear "sleep while you can", but that is so superficial to the depths of the challenge. I do have to say, I am having a difficult time finding joy in this newborn time. Let me, for the sake of guilt, preface this with the statement that I am happy I had Oliver and he does bring joy to our lives. But being a mom is probably the most difficult thing I have ever done, more so than giving birth, and damn that was hard. Sleep is scarce and when I get it not satisfying, this little bugger just wants to be held, hence the moby wrap photo above (and notice the mounds of laundry, I have never been this content with my house being a wreck). All I can think about is how I have been lied to over the years, yet again, about how joyful motherhood can be, and that is it only joy. Also, how being a mom is brushed off as some kind of romantic work that women are just do easily, lovingly and kindly. When, in reality it can be so raw you forget who the hell you even are, or ever were. Would we do it over again if we remembered this? Would we do it in the first place if we knew this? Yes, I do think so. The rewards are great and sweet. I do wish that in preparation of motherhood and parenting we culturally could be honest about the first few months and how unforgiving it can be and how hard it is not just for you but for your partner. No one talks about this part - how at 3 am all you want to do is run down the street away from it all, and not even care if you have a jacket on or not. I constantly think about if I will remember the difficult times, or just how sweet Oliver looks when he is nursing - and how sweet his little tiny hands are?

my little guy

2010-01-12T16:47:00.004-05:00

Ollie is three weeks old already. Today he weighed in at seven and a half pounds! He gained about a pound in a week and a half, and for a baby who was down to five eleven and who we had to feed (breast milk) with a dropper for an entire 24 hour period and gave us quite a scare, this feels like the happiest day on earth! Oliver is now acting like a newborn, instead of a lethargic early term baby - and even though it is difficult we are happy that he keeps us awake at night, cries to be nursed, and nurses for hours at a time (on again, off again). I have found that attachment parenting (or our version of it) works really well. He is never more than a few feet away from me and I carry him around frequently in a sling or moby wrap. I also love that he sleeps soundly in between Ron and I at night, I can't imagine putting him in a crib and most likely won't at all if we can help it.

What has been difficult is constantly nursing when I am totally famished - for all of you nursing moms, I don't know about you but I eat like four times more than when I was pregnant, so I feel constantly hungry. We are lucky to have great family and friends who have kept us nourished and the house well stocked with food the past few weeks. I constantly feel like I have to make a choice of feeding my self or Ollie. Often I get a cram a snack in before feeding or bark orders at Ron to get me something (I never thought I'd be sick of asking for things). Besides this, life is great, tired and sleep deprived, but great. We have a nice little routine down and have began to go out into the world a little bit. Trips to the co-op for groceries and a "party" at my sisters house on Sunday made our lives a little bit more adventurous. I could write for hours about little Ollie here, who is currently stirring next to me - letting me know it is yet again time to latch on. Until next time!
Jess and Ollie

PS - the blanket I made over the summer and I am rather proud of it. The inside is made of cotton sherpa - and so soft and snuggly.

Ollie Update - Week 2 and The Abridged Birth Story

2010-01-03T13:56:00.006-05:00

Me and my sister, Ollie and Cora

I can say that the birth, besides being very surprising (four weeks early), was an incredibly intense yet empowering experience. I think I was dilating the whole day before and didn't know it, and had lost my mucus plug, but again didn't think anything of the discharge (it wasn't bloody or smell bad so no fuss right?). Around 4pm exactly two weeks ago I was watching a movie in the bedroom and I felt Oliver slide down in a strange way. A little pee came out (indeed it was urine not water breaking) and I couldn't stop - we called the midwife. She said take a warm bath and drink some Cranberry juice. By the time Ron was back from the store getting juice, I was having bad period like cramps. We were totally scared, called the midwife again. The cramps were getting worse and worse and I couldn't escape them, all I wanted was a little break to get an emotional grip on this whole thing - I looked at Ron at one point and said, "I'm in labor". I needed to admit it. We were in the living room, I was on hand and knees - moaning through contractions. Our midwife came in and indeed me being half naked and really into contractions - she was certain I was in labor. She said to us that "we're having a baby today! and all was well because I was a few days away from 36 weeks". I felt so relieved at that point, just to have someone else say it was okay, we were okay to birth at home. My mom showed up shortly after, I had moved back into the bathroom on the floor (it was nice and warm) still on hands and knees. My first thought was "I need to get to the bedroom, I can't have this baby on the bathroom floor". We went into the bedroom - there I rode out a few more contractions with Ron and our midwife doing counter pressure. At that point our second midwife arrived and my sister (and baby Cora). The contractions were intense and I had wished the birth ball was inflated (we only had half a birth kit together and I was waiting to blow up the ball until early Jan). I think I was in transition at this point - I can't recall getting to the bedroom and my thoughts were only, "I can't do this - it's too hard". Suddenly, I felt the need to push - it wasn't a physical feeling exactly, I can only describe that emotionally my body was telling me to push. The midwife checked me (for the first time and oh my god! it hurt, hurt, hurt) I can't imagine having to be checked frequently throughout. I had a small lip left - she suggested I could push around it while she held it back - too painful. I rode out a few more contractions instead. Over the next hour or so - I pushed in various positions, lunging, hands and knees, on the birthing stool (shaped like a big toilet seat), leaning against Ron. Pushing seemed to take forever, I found solace in watching my progress in a mirror (directing the mirror position while pushing - I was very aware of what was going on around me). My sister, mother, and Ron were doing a great job of telling me that I was doing well. I kept asking if this was all going smoothly - and that it was okay it was taking long. The midwives only said - your baby is the perfect size for you and it is taking as long as you need and that yes, it is all normal. Ollie's heart beat was great, despite being on the perineum for so long.

Pushing was by far the hardest thing I have ever done. It took all of my strength both physically and emotionally to get him out. The thing about pushing is, for the most part, you have control over how hard and long you push. I would only give on big push and then need a rest, finally the midwives said that they were thinking about a small cut - I screamed "no!" and shortly after I pushed little Oliver out. I think it was just the motivation I needed to give full quality pushes - I didn't want to be cut - emotionally it would have been too hard for me to deal with. But the exact motivation I needed to push his head out. The body seemed to slide right out. Oliver was here - at 9:58 pm 6lbs 6oz. It took about 6 hours of active labor and two pushing. Not too bad.
And today, after two weeks of nursing a lethargic pre term baby, who is still developing his suckling ability, and one full day of dropper feeding and breast pumping (day 3 I believe). We've established a nice nursing routine and he is almost back up to his birth weight. It was been a wild, intense, and emotional experience, but I wouldn't have expected anything less from my son.

Oliver Carmino is Here....

2009-12-29T14:41:00.003-05:00

being weighed for the first time

...and what a wild ride he has taken us on! He was born about 4 weeks early December 20, 2009, but he came out happy and healthy. We had a lovely home birth and couldn't have asked for better care from our midwives. I'll have a full birth story in a few days (or weeks, baby land is crazy) but I wanted to share the news over here.

Knitting and Week 32

2009-11-28T16:41:00.004-05:00

I have been making quite a few things for the wee one and haven't managed to post any photos of the goods. So here is what I have thus far.

Three knit longies and a cap. All knit with various colors of this yarn. It has to be one of my favorite yarns to knit up with - it is so soft and not the slightest bit itchy and comes in a wide variety of colors both solids and variegated. I have to practice lots of self control when I am in front of the shelf at the yarn store .

Soon to be knit into longies and a hat or two. The lavender (Brown Berries) is just so simply stunning (the photo doesn't do it justice) our baby will be put into these pants - boy or girl.

A few toys that I sewed up for the wee one.

And a little vest that is in need of some buttons.

And finally me at 32 weeks - you can see the belly shot photo set over here. I can't believe how much bigger I have gotten compared to week 27, just a few short weeks ago. I have been feeling pregnant all day every day latley and have really slowed down, napping frequenlty and eating every two hours. I am looking forward to our home visit with the midwives in four weeks, until then I am seeing them every other week. The biggest news is that my sister gave birth last week at home, in just about 8 hours (total - she has kids rather quickly). I was able to be there and the whole experience was really quite lovely and confirmed everything I believe about birth being a totally normal, safe, and beautiful process. I had the pleasure of hanging out with my four year old nephew and we sat together while my sister pushed out a nine pound baby girl. My nephew did so well, and despite the intensity of birth he never once was fearful that Melissa was in pain. We simply kept reminding him how hard mama was working to get the baby out. Afterwards, he was super curious about everything - the umbilical cord, the placenta, and of course his new baby. I can't begin to explain how initmate and totally non-chaotic the whole experience was and to see the family grow to four and have immediate bonding together - pretty amazing. Being 8 months pregnant did however put it into persepective that I will soon being doing that same kind of work she did. I won't say I am scared - just a little intimidated by the process - I still have some emotional work to do surrounding birth - I am just glad that our midwives are open to having this type of converstaion with me.

Week 29

2009-11-12T19:33:00.005-05:00

Week 29 - Eight months
This whole experience is flying by, I go between feeling amazing and beautiful
to wishing I could have this belly go away for a short while, particularly at night. I would, at some point, like to sleep on my back again - my hips hate me in the morning. But tonight I feel completely stunning even just in yoga pants and a t-shirt (my late pregnancy uniform). This baby moves around like crazy - quick jabs and sharp kicks just under my ribs and a strange rolling movement (I call it the shiatsu chair effect). I can also literally cup baby's foot or knee, and in the right position I can usually rub baby's back and bum. I really can't wait to have this baby, but I do think I'll miss being pregnant - it has been rather joyous.

Pumpkins!

2009-10-25T19:00:00.003-04:00

We go to a pumpkin carving party each year and carve about 4 each. It is lovely to see all of the pumpkins lined up - we have yet to get a live view of them all lit up (they string Christmas lights through each one), but I am sure it is spectacular. I only heard about a million pumpkin jokes regarding my belly. Week 27 shot below. You can see the series over here.

Motherhood Celebration

2009-10-19T21:32:00.004-04:00

On Sunday my sister and friends put together a lovely motherhood celebration.
It was just the right mix of a traditional shower with a twist of blessingway. There was regular gift giving and mingling, but before the gifts women each brought a bead to represent a wish or hope for my birth (via Birthing From Within). There were so many thoughtful and funny hopes shared, I felt really honored and supported by these simple gestures. It was really nice to do this before opening gifts - don't get me wrong Ron and I are appreciative of the baby necessities we received, but in the end they are just that things - the emotional support will take us much farther in this journey of childbirth and parenting.
Highlight of the evening was my nephew calling the party a "bath party" and asking, "Where is the tub that is going to help the baby to come out". I love that he will be a part of my sister birth- and has knowledge of the ongoing of birth. I think another perk of home birth.

My sister and me, she's due in mid November. Her house is slowly filling up with birthing essentials - her being 36 weeks and all. It has been nice to share this experience with her.

With our mama.

With our friend Mary Ann, she's due in December.

Baby Wearing

2009-10-16T09:35:00.004-04:00

Ron and I went to a baby wearing class last night at a local toy/baby supply store. The class was $15 per couple. It ended up being just the two of us - a nice private session that I would have gladly paid twice as much for. The woman doing the "instructing", if you will, was committed to parents wearing their babies comfortably and properly - and also to help with nursing around the house and out and about. It was very lovely and helpful - she also does drop in times each Wednesday, for free - we'll be visiting her again once the baby is here. She also gave us lots of info about local baby wearing groups and had Ron and I connect and converse about the early days with baby - he wasn't aware that people carried their babies around the house. I'm not sure we would have had this communication if it wasn't for this workshop.

Ron and I are not overly politically committed to attachment parenting - but I think we are leaning towards this if you really had to place us in a parenting category. We know the bucket car seats aren't our cup of tea (we'd rather carry our baby thanks), but at the same time we're not purists - yes we are getting a stroller (a light Maclaren umbrella). Labels aside baby wearing just seems really appealing to us. What turned us on to carrying babies is that I've used a few different carriers with children I have taken care of and loved it, and each time Ron sees a baby in a carrier he says, "I think I'd like that" so we starting thinking about what would work. This post is the little collection of carriers we have thus far - a why we like them. All done with affordability in mind.

First purchase: Craigslist (they go like hotcakes) for more than half off The Ergo these are one of the most common structured carriers that I have seen around town - and used one quite a bit (only the back carry). I think this will be nice for longer walks and hiking and around town. All of this when the baby is older (can hold its head up on own). I don't like the whole infant insert thing they offer. The plus side to this carrier is that it has longevity - holding up to a large toddler. Also in the category with some slight differences is the Beco carrier (a bit more expensive, but with a better infant/newborn carrier).

We registered for the Moby Wrap which will be a nice newborn/infant carrier. We were able to try this one last night (the shop has weighted dolls to simulate a newborn - they smelled like lavender, my pregnant nose was very, very happy). I had used one before and loved it, Ron also really liked the feel of it. The instructor also noted that it is a good way to get skin to skin bonding with dad - I hadn't even thought about that - she also noted that a lot of folks think that with nursing it is all about the milk - but really this it is also a lot of skin to skin that mama and baby get. Instead of pumping (which I am not going to do) and bottle feeding - the papa can get bonding this way. We were sold and became really excited to have this baby! The cons of this carrier is that, even though it is advertised as up to 35 pounds, most parents find that because of it's stretchy jersey fabric it gets use only up to 20 pounds, otherwise the baby begins to "sink" too far down past your waist. We felt that even though it would only go until 20 or so pounds it will be a very well used carrier for us. We like that you can leave it on and take the baby in and out without much fuss - good for transporting to and from the car in the winter months and nursing around the house and in public. I am not sure I'd want all that fabric around me in the summer when our baby is older anyway.
If you want a similar style that lasts longer and is 100% cotton (a little more breathable) a woven wrap is a good option, although much more expensive. This fabric is studier with a slight give that is on a diagonal so there is more support for heavier children. We may invest in one eventually, but we'll see how everything works out (again the whole lots of fabric in warm months - but I'm not ruling it out).

What we did purchase last night from the store (at 10% off) was a Maya Wrap ring sling. I had used one before - wasn't overly excited about it and was nervous about using one. Ron was also not thrilled about it, he didn't like the looks. Come to find out - I was wearing it totally wrong so yeah it did suck for me - this is the carrier that is most often misused - but when you get it right it feels really great! I like that I can nurse in it and have some privacy. It can be used for newborns to toddlers (or however heavy you are comfortable with), I also like it because we will be able to use the hip carry. I think this one (along with the ergo) will be used for a while around the house and short errands. There are so many brands of ring slings out there in various different materials - I like the woven cotton myself so we went with this one. Rixa from Stand and Deliver sells some in various fabrics on her website Second Womb Slings.

The final installment of baby carriers is the Mei Tei. Many people sell them and make them - there are various brands most often with fashionable fabric. In our case my grandmother is making one for Ron (well and me too, but it is really nice that she thought of Ron in particular). This carrier is versatile - and easy to use (and learn to use). It is somewhat similar to the ergo, just without the buckles and straps. It also has longevity - it can be used with infants, up to larger toddler (both front and back carry). I like that is it easy on and off. The instructor said it is also an easy carrier for grandparents and family/friends to use because of its ease to learn, I liked knowing that we can share this with others (and I'll offer up any of the other ones too).

Ten reasons to wear your baby. Why wear your baby? by Laura Simeon

Some baby wearing tips for all carriers (via the Baby Wearing Educator):

The higher the better - the bum should be around your navel or hip bones - no lower. All of the carries we tried worked with my 26 week pregnant belly because the baby was higher than it anyway.

Butt below knees - in all carriers - like a little pouch (nice and deep in the pouch). Have the babies knees straddled around you (unless it is a newborn fetal position carry that is okay). The babies legs should not be dangling down (like in the baby bjorn - yuck).

Practice with a stuffed animal, with baby on a bed, or with someone else. The best advice she gave us was that it is a learning curve, but done the right way it is great.

more thoughts on birth

2009-10-10T13:45:00.007-04:00

Over the past few days I have grown a little scared of giving birth. Not in the "can I really do this?"way or I am fearful of pain, but the "holy shit, holy shit" reality check way, if that makes any sense. I often think I am not doing enough to prepare, like right now I can't bring myself to pick up another birth book - I am tired of exercising my frontal lobe regarding birth - I think I maxed that out last year. All I can do is knit pants and hats for the baby - and obsess if we are going to have enough damn diaper covers! Weaved in all of this is a bit of fear - I think I need some tactile experience or support in birth.

At the same time I am looking forward to birth - this may sound silly - because I will have absolutely no other obligations besides being with Ron and giving birth and hunkering down in our house for an extended period of time with folks who are going to come over and fuss over me. No one will be mad if I don't call, or show up somewhere, or (fill in the blank). Often when I get overwhelmed with life all I want is no obligations and to hide out in the house - so whenever I feel a little scared or intimidated - or what ever you want to call it about birth - I just think about this little time out of life. I like the feeling of looking forward to no obligations instead of creating various expectations about what birth will be like and what my ideal birth will be like. Which reminds me - last weekend I was able to get a free session of prenatal craniosacral therapy - it was beautiful and wonderfully relaxing. The funny part was one of the therapists asked me about my ideal birth, I responded, "not too long and not too short" took a moment and said, "and snowing" Because really if these are the only expectations I have I think I am on the right track - too many fantasy "ideal" birth scenarios can hinder the reality of birth - something that is unplannable - it is just going to go how is goes.

Week 24

2009-10-07T21:06:00.008-04:00

I swear each time I walk past a mirror I stare into it in complete disbelief - often laughing out loud. It is hard to comprehend that this is my body, looking at my belly straight on - it looks almost fake. The baby is moving quite a bit, enough that we can see movement and I am beginning to feel pregnant all of the time. This morning I was thinking about looking forward to birth and having a baby. It is a strange phenomena - it is so close, but we still have some time to wait. The anticipation is unlike any I have felt before what is unusual is that unlike a vacation (or something else equally exciting) I am looking forward to in 4 months - this whole experience is going to be a complete change in our lives, so it is a little bit of worry along with the whole anticipation and excitement - along with complete and utter disbelief - again the whole laugh out loud thing.

On Home Birth

2009-09-28T22:28:00.004-04:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about caring for myself. Keeping me and this baby healthy, keeping me well fed, and having a happy spirit. Overall, it is fairly easy - I live a pretty privileged life, full of wonderful people who love me. I don't have much in the sense of ownership, wealth, and/or status, but I have lots that keep me going, even if it is simply spending a whole afternoon cooking apple butter and smelling up my whole house with harvest goodness. That to me is privilege, to have a safe place to call home with someone I love and do things I like.
How does this relate to home birth? First, this could be a post where I intellectualize childbirth or write about the medicalization of it, how hospitals freak me out, how I feel powerless dressed in a standard gown and have to fight to have authority and autonomy over my own body, to move about comfortably while birthing - to have the ability to listen and respond to the needs of my own body. I could write about all of that in excess but I won't - I will say these are some of the initial reasons why we considered home birth, however the more we thought about it, it just became the right thing to do. Here's why.
Home is safe for me and for Ron. We really don't even like going away for extended periods of time, even when we travel together we get homesick. Home is the best place for us, even if it is a cramped apartment with lots of old farm house "charm". I can't think of a better place to give birth.
I also am the type of person, that when it comes to medical health care I totally fold. The institutionalization of doctors offices and hospitals makes me feel powerless and inhumane. Even with the nicest of providers - they are the experts, I am the patient. I don't stand up for myself - all that comes out is self deprecating babbling, or head nods with lots of smiling. For the most part, I have been under the care of people who expect this type of behavior in the first place, or rather, work within a system that only allows for this type of relationship, it is not because of who we are as people, but because of the culture we live in.
My point here is not to romanticize how I "imagine" birth at home or to demonize hospital births. I know childbirth is going to be one of the most difficult things physically and emotionally that I will ever endure. But it does not routinely need to be filled with trauma, paranoia, or panic and that is what I feel in medical birth culture. Testing, needles, monitoring, charts - all seem to feed into the idea that I am sick - and would make me tense, scared, and alone. I can't do that, I know myself - there are many women like me who know that home birth is the right and safe choice for ourselves and our babies. It is sad that we are often portrayed as dangerous and selfish.
At home I am a woman giving birth, with support people who know me and will care for me continuously. There is a lot of trust that goes into this relationship, they trust me, and I trust them. Most importantly, I trust that my body will do what it needs to in order to birth this baby - I am happy to know that I naturally come equipped with some amazing hormones that allow me to cope with the pain, stress, and emotions that come with birth. I have open and honest relationships with the people who will support me and with all of this I know it is what is important for me, for our family. In the long run - however this birth may turn out - I won't regret doing what feels right.